Friday, November 5, 2010

A Dark Time

I was 19.  Married. Alienated from my family.

My husband…an ex-con with a desire to spend more time with his friends, partying with his booze and his drugs.  Nightly.  Some nights…some mornings…he never came home.

When he did, there were arguments, complete with mental, emotional, and sexual abuse.  Then he’d sleep.  Only to get up, shower and be gone again.

Then there was my baby.  He was beautiful and who I could rely on to love me…as much as he relied on me to care and love him.

But that didn’t stop the pain.  So much pain.  And loneliness.

It overwhelmed me.  Pushed me toward an abyss where I shouldn’t have been.  Not at 19.

The first time I tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose of pills, he kicked the bathroom door in and slapped the pills from my hands.  Shook me, pleaded with me not to do that again. 

I loved him sooo much but he loved his partying life more.  He couldn’t understand how much I depended on him and even if he did…he didn’t care.  Not really.

Slowly…I slid toward that abyss and tried a second time.  I poured several pills into my hand and was about to swallow them when the silence of the apartment was broken.  My son lay in his crib…crying.

Reality sunk in, and I flushed the pills down the toilet.  All of them.

I couldn’t let my child grow up without a mom.  I knew that road already as I had lost my mom when I was a teenager.

I swore on my son’s life that I would never, ever attempt to take my life again.  No man would ever push me toward that dark place in my soul again.

I was 19.  Changed.  Stronger. 

Alive.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Wish

There have been times over the years that I have seriously wished that I could step out of my life, walk away if you will, for a while, to ease the racket that overwhelms me in my mind. It’s not that I necessarily hate my life as it’s been or is, but rather it’s wanting to get in touch with the person inside. I became lost with the death of my mother in 1975, when I was 16 years old…and although I’ve come close to re-finding that person within, I’ve never fully made the complete trip because life, as it too often does, took over and some things, like this, were set on a back burner until….

When I had my breakdown in 2001, I wished as deeply as I could wish, that I could go away for a while to a Buddhist monastery to heal, to finish that long journey of discovery, and to step away from my life as it was, out of the person that I was, and start over…from the inside-out. Of course, it’s just a wish…one that I’ll never see become reality as I have no funds to get myself that far, and I’ll have to make due with seeing a therapist once a month or so.

I learned far too late that I have spent most of my life depressed, from the time I was a child of about 9. At that time, I was molested by an uncle, and was threatened to secrecy so that my parents never would know. Thinking back, it seems right…I remember being a solitary person, preferring being alone to the company of my mom or dad. When my mom was killed in 1975 by a drunk driver, that’s really when the depression buried itself deep into the core of me. From then on, through being raped, enduring marital rape, three failed marriages…well…things certainly never got better, and the debris dammed up inside of me until November of 2001 when it cut lose in a flood of tears and desperation.

Monday, March 1, 2010

“ANONYMOUS”

I cannot improve or add anything to this anonymous letter received in May, 1982 from a mother in upstate New York.

She belongs in this book. --Erma Bombeck

“ANONYMOUS”

Dear Erma,

You feel like my best friend. The only thing that surprised me was to find out that I am taller than you.

Anyway, I have something I want to talk to you about. There is no solution to this. I just want you to know we exist, we are human too and we hurt with the helplessness I can’t begin to describe.

I belong to a group of people that doesn’t even know it’s a group. We have no organization, no meetings, no spokesperson, we don’t even know each other. Each of us, as individuals, are way back in the closet with the rats and cockroaches. We may not even be any different than our neighbors. We look the same, talk and act the same, yet when people know our secret, they shun us as lepers.

We are parents of criminals. We too love our children. We too tried to bring them up the best way we knew how. There is small solace in reading of a movie star or politician’s kid being arrested. It helps but little to realize that our pain is not confined to the poor. (Although studies have shown that a rich kid is more likely to be sent home with a reprimand from the police, where a poor kid will wind up in jail.)

We are the visitors. Mother’s Day, Christmas, our kids cannot come to us, so we go to them. For some of us, the hurt is so unbearable, we cut out the cause--we give up on them. Some parents don’t visit, don’t write, don’t acknowledge the living human they bore.


I have not yet given up on my son, though the court has. I still cry, and plead, encourage and pray. And I still love him.

I search my memory. Where did I fail him? My son was planned, wanted, and was exactly the all-around kid I hoped for. I spent lots of time with him, reading stories, going for walks, playing catch, teaching him to fly a kite. We went to church together every Sunday since he was 4. He did all right in school, his teachers liked him. He had lots of friends, and they were always playing ball or going fishing, all the regular kid things. He was on Little League. I went to every game. He won a trophy for All-Stars. He was just a regular kid.

That’s only one. Mine. There are thousands of them. Criminals with ordinary childhoods. We, their parents, trying to live ordinary lives. And maybe being ostracized by family members and certainly by society. (“Maybe it’s contagious!”)

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. My son is running from the police. I didn’t do it, I don’t condone it, nor try to justify what he did. But I still love him, and it hurts.

I hope you can find room in your heart to accept us, who love the children society hates.

I’m sure you understand why I just cannot put my name. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest.

“Mom”

PS: And I know you know that this is not a made-up letter. I’m real. I wish I weren’t. Happy Mother’s Day.