Monday, October 31, 2011

Spare the rod, spoil the child

Do they? Really?

Over the years, it has become a pet peeve of mine as well as a great concern over how a child should be disciplined. Maybe it's something that comes with age...but maybe it's something that no longer seems right...because doesn't violence breed violence? 

I'm not talking about spanking a child with your hand on their butt...I'm talking about hitting them with a belt or paddle. What the law now refers as corporal punishment. 

Where did we humans get the notion that hitting a child with something hard was discipline?

"Spare the rod, spoil the child".  Biblical reference?  Not at all.  In fact, it came from a 17th century poem titled “Hudibras” by Samuel Butler. The actual verse reads: 

“What medicine else can cure the fits
Of lovers when they lose their wits?
Love is a boy by poets styled
Then spare the rod and spoil the child.”
At the time that this was written, it referred to the spanking of a woman, as part of making a love relationship grow stronger. However, over time...the meaning changed to that of referring to the spanking of a child.

The Biblical reference reads:  Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” Here again...a 'rod' is mentioned...but what does it really refer to?

It's symbolic in nature...as a means of authority. It wasn't meant in the literal sense, as some of those of faith would have you believe. The Bible does not condone corporal punishment.

There are advocates for and against (opens as a pdf) physical discipline, and this is a hot topic in today's world. Who is right?

I personally fall with those against such discipline, as I have witnessed children whose self-esteem was lowered, as well as developing anger issues and aggressiveness. 

Is this not a cycle that is perpetuated over time? I believe it can be. 

In my eyes, this IS a form of child abuse...when a child is hit with a belt or a paddle. It IS child abuse when welts are left, bruises appear and a child looks at you with wounded eyes...feeling betrayed by the very person who is supposed to love and protect him. 

Education is key...and one can discipline a child without harming them physically, mentally or emotionally. 

I welcome your thoughts. 

Thanks for reading.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Sunday blues

When I was growing up, I can remember that Sundays were the day when our extended family would all come together at either our house or that of one of my aunts and uncles. Big meals were made, and there were so many fun times...indoors or out...depending on the weather and the season at the time.

After my mother died when I was 16, things changed...Sundays changed. Gone were the family get-togethers...the closeness...the essence of family I had grown up with.

As I grew into motherhood and watched my children grow into adulthood, my hopes were that maybe we could restart that Sunday tradition of getting together for a good home-made meal, and sharing our lives, laughter and keeping the essence of family intact.

For the first few years that my oldest two were on their own, we did get together at my oldest son's for one of his wonderful home-made meals, usually on a Sunday but even that ended with his arrest and eventual prison sentence. 

Since then...our family has drifted even further apart...and Sundays are just another day of the week. There is nothing special about it anymore.

For me...it's hard. And oftentimes...lonely.  

Phone calls and text messages really aren't enough...

To chase away my Sunday blues.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Snow comes early in NY

Almost white out as the storm started--10/27

Yesterday was my birthday and what a better surprise (shock!) than to see a snow storm blow in!  And blow in it did!  As it began...all visibility diminished for a while.

It didn't take long for it to start building up...

snow begins to accumulate on the porch...10/27
It was pretty as it came down...






After a couple of hours, I went out and shot these photos...



We really didn't get too much more than a dusting, as these next photos show...



It stopped snowing around 9 p.m. last night, and got extremely cold. When I got up this morning, it was a very frosty 27° F.  Whatever was wet, froze...and what snow there was remained until late this morning.

I did get a few shots this morning...showing the frost and snow...





Winter is eager to get here, I think...and I for one, though I enjoy the looks of it, dread the cold!


A picture perfect shot!

Thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Happy Birthday to me


Tomorrow is my 53rd birthday. It's supposed to be a festive time...yet I am not feeling very festive at all.

For the first time in the last 34 years, my family...meaning my 3 children...are farther apart mentally and emotionally than I ever thought I'd see. I never thought I'd see a day when one of my children would harbor such distrust and anger toward me...yet here it is, literally slapping me across my face.

I admit that I wasn't the greatest mom on earth...not even close. I made mistakes...which I have asked forgiveness for and was forgiven...yet I am finding out now that I wasn't. Not even close.

Suddenly, I've found myself looking at not one, but two letters nearly dripping with venom...getting blamed for things that I had no control over, for things that I did or did not do...and they both seemed to scream at me that I am a failure as a mother to him. 

I have wrote letters attempting to defend myself...but I already know that he has the mindset that I am a liar...that I am a lunatic, or even insane. In his eyes, I am "a worthless piece of shit" because I wouldn't DO something for him, something that I was not able TO do for him. 

I just don't understand. 

All these years, I have allowed him to manipulate me, goad me into feeling guilty about whatever. He played my feelings and emotions, using them against me...to achieve whatever it was that he wanted. And he's been doing this to me since he was a little boy. 

After returning from Wisconsin, and after that first letter dated just a couple of weeks ago, something snapped inside me, and I made the decision that this was not going to happen any more. Even with the letter that I received yesterday...I wasn't going to let him push me to a place that I refused to be. 

However, in the process of writing him back today, I realized some things, some bitter truths...not about me, but about him. I have figured out his agenda...at least in part. That being, to drive this family--his siblings and I--further apart. 

It's not only anger and frustration...it's jealousy. It's always been jealousy. And there was no reason he should have ever felt that way. He believes that I love my other two children more than I have ever loved him. 

And he is wrong. 

Tomorrow is my birthday but it comes to me at a time where there is great sadness in my life. 

My family is in tatters...how can my birthday be 'happy'?

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Rape: Afraid to tell

Nothing more can be said...
The very word gets my blood boiling...and with good reason: I was raped when I was 18 and 7 months pregnant for my first child. The offender: a guy I knew from school and from my first husband.

I did not report it.

When you tell the man that is supposed to love and protect you that another man has raped you, and he laughs and replies: "Friends share with friends," how do you tell anyone else? Would THEY believe you?

Here are some interesting and frightening statistics from RTS--rape trauma services:

Only 16% of rapes are ever reported to the police. In a survey of victims who did not report rape or attempted rape to the police, the following was found as to why no report was made: 43% thought nothing could be done, 27% felt it was a private matter, 12% were afraid of police response, and 12% felt it was not important enough.

Rape is the most underreported violent crime in the United States.

I am one of the 43%.

How many perpetrators are there out there walking past you on the street, working beside you, or even sleeping next to you?

Frightening question, isn't it?  It should be. 

I "should" have reported it, because I was not his only victim as I found out just a few short years ago. I might have been able TO prevent there being a "next" victim.  

By writing this, I hope I can get just one a single woman to step forward and report that she was raped. Don't be afraid to tell. Get this creep off the street before he rapes again! 

Please... 

His 'next' victim might be your mother, your sister, your daughter, or even your best friend. 

Don't remain his victim. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Gender bias...women dodging child support



My brother brought up an interesting point tonight, that when it comes to women evading child support payments, the law here in New York isn't too concerned. Or so it seems here in the county where we live.

The story is a common one, a woman walks away from her marriage and her baby...and when the father goes to collect child support from her...she does everything to dodge paying it: from quitting her job, moving state-to-state, and even essentially going underground with no contact with her own family what-so-ever.

This is what my brother has been dealing with for the last 9 years (give or take), and as it stands right now, his ex-wife now owes something in the tune of $20,000 in back child support. At the moment...she's disappeared again.



My brother emailed the child support office here in our county, citing gender bias: if it were him that was pulling this crap, he'd been locked up a long time ago. He's right.

Why is it that even in this day and age, a woman is more likely to skid out of paying child support or not be arrested for non-payment. However, if she were a man...well you know the answer to that.

So why is there gender bias? Here we are in a time where women want equality and more judges are awarding custody of children to fathers rather than the mothers...why aren't mothers being being pursued and made to pay?

Is it me or is there something very wrong with this picture?

I guess part of the problem that I have with women not paying child support is that I first and foremost never abandoned my children. Secondly, even if mom didn't abandon her child(ren)...and who might still have visitation with her child(ren)...who says that she is any better than a man in helping to care for her children financially? 

I realize that this is an exception and not the norm where my brother is concerned, but I have read stories that are practically mirrors of his situation. So it goes to say that there are women out there that need to step up to the plate and do what's right...quit avoiding their obligations. 

By the same token, the county child enforcement agencies need to step up to the plate and do their job: make these women either pay up and/or face the consequences, whether it's a loss of their driver's licenses or jail time. 

If it were a man......

Saying goodbye

My home...ever so briefly
As I sit here, picking up the pieces of my life and moving forward...the man that still holds onto a piece of my heart passed away this morning at 5:15 CST. 

It's been a struggle, not so much for me, but for his devoted family to be there by his side watching him fade from his life...and it is for them that my heart aches. They are all good people, people who have touched my life and have helped me get through the past several weeks.

Whatever he became through his life, whomever he was...there was a part of him that was good...loving...sensitive...and kind. These are what I will focus on in my memories of him...forgiving him for what he did to me, because it's something I need to do.

Today, as you go about your own lives, think about those in it that perhaps can use a little forgiveness. It doesn't mean you will forget what's been done to you...only that in order to find peace in your own lives, it may be something you need to do too.

He will always be a part of me.

Rest in Peace, Jim. 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Angels fly lonesome



Yesterday, I introduced a recently-found German artist, Christina Stürmer and her song "Engel fliegen Einsam" which translates to "Angels fly lonesome".  Here are the lyrics:

Angels fly lonesome


Do you know how the poets write
Have you ever seen one
Poets write lonesome


Do you know how painters paint
Have you ever seen one
Painters paint lonesome


Do you know how angels fly
Have you ever seen one
Angels fly lonesome


Do you know how I feel now
Have you ever thought of it
You and me together


Angels fly lonesome
You and me together
Angels fly lonesome
Never be alone agan


Do you know how dreams sleep
Have you ever seen one
Dreams sleep lonesome


Do you know how fairies perform magic
Have you ever seen one
Fairies perform magic lonesome


Do you know how angels fly
Have you ever seen one
Angels fly lonesome


I know you feel the same way
What did you do to me
You and me together


Angels fly lonesome
You and me together
Angels fly lonesome
Never be alone agan


Then I was awake
And I thought about it
Then I laughed out loud
Because one doesn't do these things
 

Things I want to be remembered for....






I was reading something earlier today that prompted me to write this little piece...the questioned posed was: What do you want to be remembered for? 

I had never thought about that before...have you? After spending a fair share of the day pondering that question, here is my answer: 

I would want to be remembered for:


<> Being a good mom, despite my failings. I am not perfect, but I know that I did the best I could.

<> Being the best friend that I could be...always being there when my friends need me, mentally and emotionally.
  
<> Being compassionate, understanding, forgiving, and gentle spirited.
 
<> Having touched peoples lives in a positive way...leaving with them a part of me that somehow made their lives different....bearable.
 
<> Being a good writer, someone who expressed their thoughts, feelings and beliefs in a way that others could understand and perhaps agree with. 

<> Always trying to be kind, even if I disliked the person; being the bigger person and forgiving them for the things they have done against me or others. 

 <> Making life seem less daunting for others when they were down...giving them a new perspective that they might not have seen otherwise. 

<> Being someone that was thought of as being special and unique in my own way. 

<> Just being myself...having been true to myself...in every facet of my life. 

These are some of the things that I hope that I will be remembered for when I've passed on from this world. (Not that I am expecting to any time soon...!) 

My question to you is: What do YOU wish to be remembered for? 

Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Good, the bad and the ugly: Part 2

Sadness often overwhelms me
When I had my three kids, one of the things that I always hoped for was that we would be a very close family. And we were for the most part, even as my kids grew up and got out on their own. Between them, the kids weren't as close as I wished...but I was content with the way things were overall. But as things do, that changed...with the biggest change coming just recently...on my return from Wisconsin.  

The biggest blow to our family unit was the arrest of my oldest son for murder. That was the crack that set the foundation of our family crumbling. The next rift was that of religion...my oldest two had turned to Christ in the last couple of years and began the push to covert my youngest and I. But we would not budge in our own beliefs. 

When I returned from Wisconsin, the final nudge that has made this family fall even further--and maybe even irreparably--apart...is me. Not because I won't give in and become reborn again as a Christian, but because my oldest two kids have some notion that I need to do what they "think" I should do. 

"Forgive and forget, and move on," is what one said to me. "Mom, you need to give up your dream of writing and leave the computer alone and get your life back together," the other said. 

Yet who are they to judge and choose what I "should" do? These two have also made their fair share of mistakes...some of which were very much like my own...a series of bad choices that determined where we all are now. He sits in prison for a crime that he may not have committed...and she married an inmate whose religious zeal is disturbing and even corrupt. 

Even my youngest is not exempt from having made some bad choices, but the difference here is that he has not once, told me what I should or should not do. He supports me in whatever decisions that I make...out of his love and respect for me...his mom. 

But I don't get that respect and trust from my oldest two. And I don't know why. They criticize and judge me...but Heaven forbid if I even attempt to do the same to them. 

I don't understand. I made these kids my life, even destroyed a marriage to protect them from misuse. Yet they would rather remember all the bad choices I've made and won't remember all that I have done for them that was good.  It's not me that needs to forgive, forget and move on. 

This also plays through my head at night, when everyone else is sleeping here, and when I should be trying to sleep too. I think about my grown children and my grandchildren, aching for my family to be close-knit again...aching because my oldest two kids don't accept me for who I am...and not who they think I should be. 

It's breaking my heart...

The Good, the bad and the ugly: Part 1

Ever restless sky
For the past handful of nights, I have not been sleeping well, and definitely have not been sleeping restful or through the night. My mind refuses to shut down, I toss and turn...with many things running through my mind. 

This is something that's not new, but comes and goes according to what may be bothering me in my awake hours. Even then, not everything that is bothering me keeps me awake....I guess it depends on "how much" I am troubled by whatever. 

Last night, my mind kept playing over and over my time spent in Wisconsin. I am still at a loss to explain how something that had started-out so well, took a turn for the worse in such a short time. Yes--I know a lot of it had to do with untruths that he told me, and also that his personality was too often very grating, demanding and selfish. 

But I couldn't help but think of the good times we did have. He made me laugh...laugh harder than I've laughed in a very long time. He taught me a lot of things in the short time that I was there...showed me a lot of things too that I was unaware of. 

He introduced me to music that I had no idea existed yet I found to be very beautiful, and which still haunts me in it's beauty. Meet Christina Stürmer:





He taught me about birds that came to his feeders...many of which I had never seen before. And of course, he showed me what his pesty ground squirrels were all about!


13 Lined ground squirrel
I guess a lot of what is running through my mind is how someone who really was very intelligent, be like he was. I know that we will never understand human nature...but what went wrong in his life that he developed the thinking and behaviors that he did? Was it something specific...or did it "just happen"? 

There have been times in my life that I have been accused of being 'too' analytical, but I believe that comes with my need to understand and define myself and the world around me. And here again...I am struggling to understand something that I know I will never find the answers to...not with everything that has happened, not with him laying in a hospital bed fighting for his life.

I did finally find sleep last night, but not until after 3-1/2 weeks worth of memories played through my mind...the good, the bad and the ugly. These memories will continue to replay themselves for a bit of time yet...but I know that somehow, I will be able to put the bad and ugly to rest...and make peace with that brief moment in time that I shared with him. 

It wasn't all bad...

Sunday, October 16, 2011

An Email...and Truth


I received an email this morning, that I almost deleted without reading, but something told me to open it up...and I did. This is what it said:

Dear Debra,

Your life is what you make it. Your happiness depends primarily on your attitude in life, and especially on the nature and quality of your thoughts and ideas, which are more powerful than you may imagine. They’re your main weapon in your fight to lead the life you want.

You don’t see the world as it is, but as your mind sees it. In other words, all your perceptions and thoughts act as a filter between reality and you. The world is what you think it is. If you think it’s bad, you won’t be able to make progress.

Your thoughts influence your existence, as well as your environment. You’ll be happy or unhappy depending on whether your thoughts are positive or negative.

To make your ideas as powerful as possible, they have to be positive. When a negative idea enters your mind, let it come. When it goes, let it leave. Treat your negative ideas the same way you would a horse.

Just like a wild horse, you have to calm your negative thoughts. If you let them remain in your mind, they’ll go round and round like a horse trapped in a corral.

If you let the horse out, it’ll run as far as it can, and then after awhile it will calm down and become quiet.

Do the same thing with your negative thoughts. Don’t try to trap them. Instead, open the gate to the corral of your mind and let them run free. They’ll soon pass away.

If they persist, think about something positive, something good you want to achieve. With a little practice, reacting this way will get rid of your negative ideas.

In time, your mind will become calm all on its own. Negative thoughts will disappear, you’ll be more in control, and you’ll be able to change your life and the world around you.
 Your devoted friend,


Although I do not put a lot of belief in horoscopes and psychic predictions, I will admit that they do interest me in that oftentimes, they are spot on. And with this email, the timing couldn't have been better in light of that's run through my mind lately. (There was also something else about this email that struck me...she wasn't soliciting me to "buy" her psychic predictions about me!  Odd...!) 

Truth is...she struck a cord this morning...about my thoughts being negative and/or positive...and how they relate to my life. I have always been very skeptical about everything in life. I don't know when it all started, but I know that it is part of who I am. And skepticism equates to a lot of negative thoughts. 

As I stated in a couple of previous blog posts, I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting on my life, trying to put it into perspective...trying to find my path in life beyond being a daughter, sister, mother and having been a wife/girlfriend over the years. 

My depression hasn't helped things...because there are always way-too-many negative thoughts...most of which are untrue...and it's no secret that my self-esteem and self-confidence has taken a beating time and time and time again over my life. 

But the way that Tara described those thoughts...it's exactly the way it's been in my mind, and I have just recently started to open up and let those wild horses out to wear themselves out...and it's helped immensely to quiet my heart, mind and soul. 

I know that it will take some time for me to push through to a more positive place...and I know that I have taken the biggest steps possible: to admit that there are some things that I need to let go of, not only to heal, but to find more peace of mind and spirit...and also to get my life into a more positive place. 

Thanks for reading and if you haven't, please subscribe to my blog! You never know what you will find here...!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Reflection

A beginning...or...an end?

As I sit here tonight, there is a lot going through my head. Last night, I received some news that although wasn't surprising, has effected me to some degree. I may be a lot of things, but cold-hearted isn't one of them.

I have talked a lot about a man, who I spent 3-1/2 weeks with, got to know, and learned that he wasn't the kind, sweet man he pretended to be. And regardless of what I feel, it is unfair to continue speaking about that brief time...now when he lies on his death bed in a hospital.

He had another stroke two days ago, and this time, things are far worse.  He was completely paralyzed from what I understand, he could not talk and could only blink his eyes. His prognosis for recovery wasn't good.
 
Tonight though, the information came that said he now can't swallow, and they are forcing fluids into him, trying to make him comfortable...he doesn't have long to live.

I find it very sad to know that his life is close to an end...even though he did what he did to me. I wish no one harm, and definitely not by having a stroke. That has to be one of the worst ways to go....

So I sit here and reflect on our time together, even though it was so short, and I hope that in some small way, I touched his life and made it better...even briefly. I know that however/whatever he was...he was human and needed someone special to love him...just him.  And I did...though it soured far too quickly. 

I don't know what made him into the man he became...and I don't even know that he knew what made him so miserable...so selfish. But there were oh-so-brief moments, that I saw a flicker of a man that was so sweet and kind, totally unselfish and very loving. I think that this is what saddens me the most...knowing that there was that facet of him that he refused to acknowledge and let out for the world to see.

Tonight...say a prayer for this lost man...his time is near, I am afraid. I hope and pray that he finds the peace that he couldn't find here on earth...and that he slips from this life on to the next as painlessly as possible.

"You've Changed, Mom"


The words in this image say it all.  The very words, "You've changed" is something that two of my kids have told me time and time again...to the point that I am wondering what exactly their expectations of me are.

I am the mother of three adult children, who are and have been out on their own for years. But when I had my breakdown, I moved in with my daughter and there I lived until the beginning of September. 

She often would look at me and tell me that she missed the mom that she had when she was a teenager...and my response would be that I am not the same person that I was then. Too much life has been lived and too many changes have taken place. I have evolved, trying to find out who I am, apart from being a daughter, sister, mother and having been a wife three times.

My oldest son, recently sent me a letter too, saying that I have changed...I am not the mom that he remembers. It wasn't a pleasant letter, and has caused me some anger, frustration and has made me think about what it is that my kids want from me. 

Just exactly, what are their expectations of me? 

They both have told me that the computer has taken over my life in the last 10 years, and there is some truth in that. They have both said that I need to "get a life", yet that had been impossible to do while living with my daughter. Since I had no vehicle and had sheltered myself from the outside world for half of those years, because of my mental illness, the computer was my outlet for reaching out to the world, to continue to learn and reach for my dreams of writing. 

Too, I babysat my grandkids for my daughter while she worked, and our living together was to help each other out financially. Since I was being depended on...here again...I could have no life apart from my daughter and grandkids. 

I know what they want...and it's for me to live by how they think I should live...not how I want to live. Writing is a passion for me, a dream that I have held onto since I was a young teenager. I know that they don't understand and many people don't. 

And the computer and the internet are the key to reaching my dream. 

I have a letter to write to my son, and I know now how it needs to be written. It won't be words of anger...there is no point. But it will be words of truth...MY truth...that being I am who I am, and I am going to live my life by my rules. 

I am not perfect, I've made more than my share of stupid mistakes. As well, I know that as part of living and learning, I will likely make more...and they/he needs to except that too. 

The one thing that won't change...is that I am their mom and I love the three of my kids unconditionally. My expectations of them are simple...just be true to yourselves. Because despite their concern and thoughts about me, I am going to live the rest of my life being true to myself. 

I am still their "Mom"

Dating...via the Internet

For all the years that I have been on the net, I always believed that dating via the internet was a bad idea. It's too easy to hide the truth of who you are, your intentions, even what you really look like. I still hold to that belief...but it's because I have lived the lie. 

He and I met via Facebook, a friend of a friend of a friend and he approached me first. I was very reluctant to accept the friend request, but looking at his profile, he was disabled and looked honest enough...he had farmer's blood in him, like I do. I honestly thought that being that we shared the same basic traits...he'd be someone I'd like to know. 

He wasn't handsome per se, but nor do I feel that I am all that great looking. We both are in our fifties, and we look our ages...weight has settled in as has the graying of our hair and even the wrinkles on our faces.  

We began chatting via Yahoo messenger, first only for maybe 15 to 30 minutes a day...breaking the ice and starting to get to know each other. It evolved to where we would spend the whole day chatting back and forth, talking about anything and everything. On the plus side, he had a webcam (I do not), so I could see him the whole time...and knew what he was doing the whole time we were online. 

We'd laugh together and even cried together...sometimes at our meals at our computers...together. Although he couldn't see me, he knew I was there. 

For three-plus months, we lived on Yahoo messenger...and fell in love with each other. I truly thought and believed that he was everything he said he was, and everything that I thought I needed in a man. I knew he was wheelchair bound, knew he was still recovering from a stroke.  I knew that life wouldn't be easy there with him...but I acknowledged those facts and believed that I could handle it. 

As the old cliché goes: "You don't know someone until you live with them", I learned that the hard way.  After he and I spent something like $1600 to get me there, after spending a week with him, I learned that he had lied. About so much. 

He made life hard, being incredibly demanding, cussing non-stop, being verbally abusive to his whole family...and at times, even me. He wasn't getting any better from the stroke and I knew he wouldn't unless HE made the effort. He was so very selfish, and he didn't understand me at all. 

He didn't care about the fact that I do have a mental illness (PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and that I would never be healed. He didn't care that I have herniated discs in my back as well as degenerative arthritis in my back and shoulders...he expected me to do a man's work outside the house. Luckily, his mom stepped in and told him "No!"

The morning that I left, a huge, huge burden was lifted off my shoulders, but the damage had been done: my mental and emotional state was seriously in jeopardy. After setting foot back in New York...I spent the next few days in almost a constant state of having tears in my eyes, confusing, hurt, anger, feeling so lost, so directionless. And at times...yes, I broke down and sobbed. 

The purpose of this entry is to warn every woman out there of the dangers of internet dating.  So much can be hidden and lied about. From a distance, these men can tell you everything that you want to hear...because they have their own agenda. I fell for it, but I pray that someone out there will not. 

I will never attempt dating via the internet...once bitten, I am far more than twice shy. I am back to being satisfied with being single and if it means that I will never share my life with a man again...so be it.  I can't go through what I did again. 

Take care.



Thursday, October 13, 2011

Fall Splendor in Western New York

Shades of orange blaze on this tree in a neighbor's yard.

New York State is one of the many that has the luxury of having beautiful and colorful changes in the Fall.  I'd like to share with you, some of the beauty.

It's not uncommon for the smaller trees and plants to begin changing colors before the surrounding, taller trees...

Greens make way for shades of pink
Even weeds get into the swing of things, changing their green for colors of purple, reds and yellows...


Even weeds are alight with color
These shrubs begin with a gorgeous shade of pink...
 
Pretty in pink
The hillsides are a little longer in changing colors...
a farm framed by a changing landscape
Berries are especially pretty to photograph...


ripened berries that the birds will enjoy
The hillside is beginning to show its Fall splendor...


It's begun...
Leaves close-up are a special sight...


Some leaves have turned...
Even if they have not begun to lose their green coloring...


and some are only just beginning
A picture worth framing...this is Americana...


pretty enough to fram
And yet another...


a farmer's dream...
Colors abound on this hillside...


yellows, gold,s oranges and reds...
These elderberries are growing off a guide-wire...easy picking for the birds...


elderberries ready to eat
Coons and deer are invited to dine on these ears of corn...


ears of corn tempting the wildlife  

even on a dreary day, the colors are bright
Rainy days doesn't hinder the beauty (above)...and cornfields blow in the breeze (below)... 
 

corn field ready for the picker...
Deer are now moving as hunting season is open...enjoying a late afternoon meal...


Deer out to dine, but being very cautious

Fall is probably the most beautiful time of year here in the Northeastern part of the USA.

Thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Nightmare...

The objects of an fetish and/or obsession

Fetish: an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.

Obsession: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.

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In the days since I have been back home, I have struggled as to how to tell this story, to give myself some distance and perspective and it's not been easy.  It's all still too disturbing to me, too painful...but there is a need to tell it...to make some sense out of something that I don't understand. 

I never expected what happened to happen...I'd  heard of people fantasizing, and was aware of such things as fetishes and obsessions...but nothing prepared me for what lay ahead. I admit, at first I was curious...however, when it came to having it shoved down my throat or get verbally and mentally abused...curiosity turned to anger which in turn caused arguments that were never won. There was no compromise for either side. 

He first described his fascination with shoes as a fetish...he liked women's high heel shoes...the higher the better.  It didn't matter whether they were shoes, sandals or boots; and he loves all kinds of heel styles...be it chunky or stilettos preferably with no less than a 4 inch heel. He just loves women's shoes...preferably though...those which were retro 1970s and platforms. 

So, okay...he likes women's shoes.  No biggy...I could accept that.

Imagine my surprise to find out he had been buying and collecting them for who knows how long, and had several dozens.  In all styles and sizes...stashed away out of sight. Some had been well worn, others were new...and none of them were anything I would have chose to wear at any time in my life. 

He would have me try various styles on, in sizes that were one to two sizes too big, asking me to walk in them...proceeded by the continual question "How do they feel?"  My answer was always the same...they were too high, too big, very uncomfortable, etc.  My answers would always upset him...even though I had previously, and continuously told him that I don't wear any kinds of heels, I have P.A.D. and suffer all the time with numbness, pain and burning in my feet.

Despite knowing that, he wanted me to wear them 2-3 hours a day...or all day, if I'd consent. To do housework, to help clean in the garage, and even to go to the store in.  My answer, always was the same:  "Absolutely not!"

This wasn't about looking nice or feminine...it was the only, singular way that he could get turned on. He said it was my weight in the shoes, the weight that the heels had to carry, and the ground beneath them which supported me in those shoes. THAT is what the turn on was...it had extremely little to do with me, as a woman.

This...I did not understand...and the whole shoe issue evolved into his wanting me to trust him, that he wanted to "change" me and mold me into someone who I am not.  Thus...the arguments...which in turn soured the whole relationship.

Every single day, it was the same thing...over and over...his whining and begging me to wear them and my telling him "No."  It got old quick...and at the end of two weeks, I knew it was time to go home.  

This wasn't "just" a fetish, it was an obsession...one that I could not and would not live with. I wasn't there because he truly loved me as a person, as a woman, but loved me only for what I could or might do for him. That being, wearing the shoes so that he, alone, could attain sexual satisfaction...as he thought about and stared at the shoes as they sat on his chest. 

At one point, he accused me of being 'jealous' of the shoes, or trying to 'compete' with them...totally missing the point that he was messing with my womanhood, making me feel totally inadequate as a woman because I couldn't do for him what those damned shoes could. I gave up trying to make him see my point...he was blinded by this fetish-come-obsession, blinded by his own selfishness.

I know that I am not to blame, that I am not the one with the problem. I also know that despite all I have been through, I was strong enough to protect myself and all I have achieved since my breakdown in 2001. I've come too far and know I still have a ways to go...but I will NOT let someone else change me. 

I'm learning to like who I am...and maybe even love myself a little too.

Thanks for reading.