Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Happy Birthday to me


Tomorrow is my 53rd birthday. It's supposed to be a festive time...yet I am not feeling very festive at all.

For the first time in the last 34 years, my family...meaning my 3 children...are farther apart mentally and emotionally than I ever thought I'd see. I never thought I'd see a day when one of my children would harbor such distrust and anger toward me...yet here it is, literally slapping me across my face.

I admit that I wasn't the greatest mom on earth...not even close. I made mistakes...which I have asked forgiveness for and was forgiven...yet I am finding out now that I wasn't. Not even close.

Suddenly, I've found myself looking at not one, but two letters nearly dripping with venom...getting blamed for things that I had no control over, for things that I did or did not do...and they both seemed to scream at me that I am a failure as a mother to him. 

I have wrote letters attempting to defend myself...but I already know that he has the mindset that I am a liar...that I am a lunatic, or even insane. In his eyes, I am "a worthless piece of shit" because I wouldn't DO something for him, something that I was not able TO do for him. 

I just don't understand. 

All these years, I have allowed him to manipulate me, goad me into feeling guilty about whatever. He played my feelings and emotions, using them against me...to achieve whatever it was that he wanted. And he's been doing this to me since he was a little boy. 

After returning from Wisconsin, and after that first letter dated just a couple of weeks ago, something snapped inside me, and I made the decision that this was not going to happen any more. Even with the letter that I received yesterday...I wasn't going to let him push me to a place that I refused to be. 

However, in the process of writing him back today, I realized some things, some bitter truths...not about me, but about him. I have figured out his agenda...at least in part. That being, to drive this family--his siblings and I--further apart. 

It's not only anger and frustration...it's jealousy. It's always been jealousy. And there was no reason he should have ever felt that way. He believes that I love my other two children more than I have ever loved him. 

And he is wrong. 

Tomorrow is my birthday but it comes to me at a time where there is great sadness in my life. 

My family is in tatters...how can my birthday be 'happy'?

5 comments:

  1. How heartbreaking! I'm sorry you're being treated so horribly by your own son, & to make matters worse, during your birthday too!!! I'm glad you're taking a stand against it! Good for you! I have a brother who is quite similar - loves to cause trouble & drive wedges between family members. We don't have anything to do with him anymore - his behavior finally reached the breaking point with the targets of his manipulations & hatred! Good riddance to such people, I say! Life is more peaceful without their constant drama! Best thing to do is just pray for them & leave them in God's hands.

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  2. BTW, a very, very VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you! Shrug off the gloom he intended to cast over you, & embrace the sunshine of your life on earth! So many of us LOVE you!!! :-)

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  3. That's exactly I am feeling...like there is gray cloud over me mentally and emotionally. (Not to mention the fact that it trying to spit snow right at the moment too! LOL)

    A lot of this is drama...which I really could do without. There's been far too much of it and it's gone beyond getting old. 8(

    Thank you and I will try to cheer up...okey-dokey? I love all of you back as well!

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  4. Deb I am so sorry for the pain your son brings you and I know how you feel. I finally had to cut off any relationship with one of my children. His verbal abuse and trying to manipulate and control me with his temper was out of control and I at last said enough is enough. I still feel sad and when I start missing him I have to stop and think do I want to put up with his abuse again?
    Love ya and hope you are feeling better.

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  5. Thank you for your kind words...and it is hard trying to know what to do. He says he loves me, then why is he doing this? I just don't understand.

    Yes--I am feeling better...it takes me a day or two to find solid ground again and put the hurt away.

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