Saturday, October 15, 2011

"You've Changed, Mom"


The words in this image say it all.  The very words, "You've changed" is something that two of my kids have told me time and time again...to the point that I am wondering what exactly their expectations of me are.

I am the mother of three adult children, who are and have been out on their own for years. But when I had my breakdown, I moved in with my daughter and there I lived until the beginning of September. 

She often would look at me and tell me that she missed the mom that she had when she was a teenager...and my response would be that I am not the same person that I was then. Too much life has been lived and too many changes have taken place. I have evolved, trying to find out who I am, apart from being a daughter, sister, mother and having been a wife three times.

My oldest son, recently sent me a letter too, saying that I have changed...I am not the mom that he remembers. It wasn't a pleasant letter, and has caused me some anger, frustration and has made me think about what it is that my kids want from me. 

Just exactly, what are their expectations of me? 

They both have told me that the computer has taken over my life in the last 10 years, and there is some truth in that. They have both said that I need to "get a life", yet that had been impossible to do while living with my daughter. Since I had no vehicle and had sheltered myself from the outside world for half of those years, because of my mental illness, the computer was my outlet for reaching out to the world, to continue to learn and reach for my dreams of writing. 

Too, I babysat my grandkids for my daughter while she worked, and our living together was to help each other out financially. Since I was being depended on...here again...I could have no life apart from my daughter and grandkids. 

I know what they want...and it's for me to live by how they think I should live...not how I want to live. Writing is a passion for me, a dream that I have held onto since I was a young teenager. I know that they don't understand and many people don't. 

And the computer and the internet are the key to reaching my dream. 

I have a letter to write to my son, and I know now how it needs to be written. It won't be words of anger...there is no point. But it will be words of truth...MY truth...that being I am who I am, and I am going to live my life by my rules. 

I am not perfect, I've made more than my share of stupid mistakes. As well, I know that as part of living and learning, I will likely make more...and they/he needs to except that too. 

The one thing that won't change...is that I am their mom and I love the three of my kids unconditionally. My expectations of them are simple...just be true to yourselves. Because despite their concern and thoughts about me, I am going to live the rest of my life being true to myself. 

I am still their "Mom"

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