Monday, December 10, 2012

A sudden realization




Last night, I had a long talk with my youngest son, and we were discussing how dysfunctional our family has gotten, beyond my little family of my three children and I. (Referring to his step-sisters and that side of his family.) We were are amazed at how far things have progressed to the point of lies being spread, back-stabbing, threats being made, and the list goes on.

Then too, he talked about how his life had gone downhill over the past two years, and I reminded him that mine hadn't been a bowl of cherries either, that I too had made some bad choices...specifically in men. (My effort to lighten his burden and point out that he's not alone in having made bad choices in women.)

Then it hit me. Wham!  Like a pile of bricks fell on my chest and tears welled in my eyes. 

It was the sudden realization that I am literally afraid of men, beyond those in my family. Yes--afraid.

Why? Because I no longer am able to trust men I meet because I don't know if they are one of "them". 

Them: Rapists; child molesters; mentally/emotionally/physically/sexually abusive men too. 

I told my son exactly these things, and all the while, fought against letting any tears fall. Then...a little later, a weight seemed to lift off me...this revelation that I admitted seemed to suck all the heaviness away that I'd felt lately.

It's something I know that I am going to have to deal with, and work on...I know not all men are bad. It's not like these men are monsters that stand out in the crowd...we probably know more than we'd like to admit. I know I do...but I keep my distance. REALLY keep my distance.

THIS is the monster under my bed...but now that it knows I know it's there...it doesn't scare me any more!

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Crows

Photo of a crow landing in our yard
this past Summer (2012)

It's not often that I dream of creatures other than dogs and cats (that I remember). But for the first time last night I had a dream about crows. Not a lot of them...maybe a half dozen or so that I recall.

Since it's been hours since I woke from the dream, much has gone from my memory except for bits and pieces. But it's enough to give me the essence of the dream.

It's a funny thing that in many of my dreams, I never dream about the place I live in at that moment in time...and it was no different in this dream. I have no idea what house it was, it was unfamiliar to me, and I can't even say that the other person in the dream was a familiar person to me either. Yet--somehow--I knew that person...otherwise the dream wouldn't have flowed the way it did.

We were inside the home, and I went to open the door, and there were the crows, not far from the house, some on the ground, some in the trees. Something told me not to go out, but I needed to get some air in the house, it was horribly stuffy and hot in there, so I left the door open a little.

A crow landed on the top edge of the door, and I quickly pulled it further shut, so that it couldn't enter the house. All through this dream, there was dialogue with the other person, but I remember none of it. 

I wasn't necessarily scared, but definitely worried about these crows, and it seemed terribly important that they did not get into the house, nor should we go out. There was no sense of doom or evil intent in the dream either, which is puzzling...but a good thing, I guess.

I am more than familiar with all the labels and the stigma that is attached to these birds...and ravens too...but there wasn't any of that in my dream. And I am not afraid of the birds...to me they are just that...birds.

Being curious, I 'Googled' what it might mean, and the one that makes the most sense to me is this, which said:



To me, it's more about change...not about death. A new beginning, maybe, of one thing or another...and we  are  fast approaching 2013!  I'm game...it's time for some changes...more within me, not about geography! I am quite happy right where I am!  

Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading!


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Struggling through

photo by me: Debra Myers 2012



For the last four weeks, more or less, I have been struggling mentally, because of having depression and PTSD. It happens to me every year at this time, right before the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays roll in. I honestly can't pin-point when it started, all I know is that I can't remember ever living my life without this low point every year.

I know that it is the sum total of a lot of things, both internal and external, things that are within my control to some degree, and other things that are out of my control. I am a worrier, stress over finances, especially around Christmas (I live on a fixed  income), worry about what my kids will think of me one way or another...and I know I shouldn't. I am their mom, after-all...and can only do what I can do.

This time of year has a sense of loss in it for me, even after 37 years, when I suffered through the following holidays without my mom. (She was killed by a drunk driver, Feb. 8, 1975.) From that point on...I've always felt that hole, but it has gotten somewhat better over the years.

I think what was my biggest set-back this year, why I can't shake off the depression, is due to having joined two closed groups on Facebook for survivors of sexual abuse. Reading their stories, only made my own angst worse...and having the ability to see these things happen in my mind while reading their stories...only hit home with me over and over again.

I started having flashbacks to my time in Wisconsin a little over a year ago...and it got to the point that I just felt myself sinking further into the abyss...again. So I have distanced myself from the groups...I thought I could handle things, handle talking about the things I've been though, but apparently there are still some things too close to me in time that I haven't yet distanced myself from.

It's been a several days since I have actively participated on the one group, and it's not because of them, but the self-preservation mode within me kicking-in. Already, I feel the grip of the depression/PTSD loosening its grip on me...and the flashbacks have subsided. It's enough for me to function again. I know I can pull through the Christmas holiday okay.

Thanks for reading.

                            
                            

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Shawn Campbell's "Journey to Justice" Interview, Pt. 1



(**Previously published 5/9/11**)


As I have mentioned in my previous post, my son, Shawn Campbell, is struggling to find justice in a case that some have called a 'slam dunk'.  He was railroaded into pleading guilty for a crime he did not commit, and has proof that the county District Attorney's office had been forewarned of a 'murder to hire plot' that was going around Wende Correctional Facility at in weeks prior to Rhonda Bilby's murder.

He is back in court today, and I will have the details as they become available to me.  As well, I will post each section of the interview as they are aired.

                            

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Punology‏ (Humor)



Definition: Pun: a joke exploiting the different possible meanings of a word or the fact that there are words which sound alike but have different meanings.

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I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.


A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.


wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.


Velcro: what a rip off!


Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.


Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!


I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."


Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. 
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."





Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My love/hate affair with the holidays

© Debra Myers

How do I begin to tell you how I am feeling these days...which has now turned into at least two weeks? Shall I define it in single words?  

Depression. Anxiety. Love/hate. Sadness. Withdrawal. Pain. Loneliness. 

This is nothing new for me. I have been dealing with seasonal depression for as along as I have been an adult, and it's always worse with the holidays coming up: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why?

I wish I could definitively tell you.

For me...I think all the traumatic incidences that have happened in my life coalesce at this time of year for some unknown reason. It all comes back to me in waves...some days it's my past that plays battle in my mind, other days it's whatever has happened in the last eight years, as far as my children go. 

There is moments of overwhelming sadness...of things lost...my innocence, my youth, my mom, my sense of family. And right now, I think that it's the sense of family...meaning that of my children not being loving with each other, that has me the most sad. I know why it's like this...I had hoped that it never would reach this point though.

I do love the holidays, but I hate the depression that arrives with them. It doesn't help that the season has become so bleak-looking outdoors, and is mostly always overcast. The weather/seasons do play a HUGE part in my depression states, believe it or not.

I always, always want to 'do' more for my kids and grand-kids for Christmas, and that eats at me too...that I can't. Living on a fixed income sucks...even though I have no other choice. I do the best I can...but tell that to a brain that won't absorb that thought permanently. 

But, for now, I will go...my mind is getting mushy with all these thoughts. 

Oh--the reason for the photo up top? That's how I feel these days...like an old, beat-up classic. 

I'll be okay...honest!  More to come soon!

Thanks for reading!

                                   

                                   




Saturday, November 3, 2012

The cruelty of kids



Halloween, in theory, is supposed to be 'fun' for children...and I know that as a child, it was for me. Times have changed though. Halloween is no longer the safe, carefree night of the year for children, it's now one where dangers lurk...and children can be cruel.

My 12 year old niece, who loves this holiday, so looked forward to going out with friends trick or treating. Days before, she and a few friends, made plans to meet at a specific place at 6 p.m. and from there, walk through our little town.

She had decided early-on in November that she wanted to be a dead bride...and so we spent the time to acquire a dress, and all the things we would need to make her look somewhat real. We 'shredded' the dress, made a veil out of an old slip, which I then hand sewed to a headband. We bought the fake makeup, complete with 'blood' (fake, of course) and proceeded to splatter it all over the items...even the little bunch of flowers she would carry.

On her own, she put her makeup on...and then we got her dressed. All good. At 5:50, we got in the car and I drove her to the place she and her friends (and a mom) were to meet. There we waited, as we were a few minutes early.

6:00 came. And went. 

6:10...still no one. 

6:15 we decided to drive to an old store just in case the information was mixed-up. No one was there. 

6:20. She attempts to call the friend, it goes to voicemail. She starts crying and doesn't know what to do, and I had a bad headache coming on from hunger.

I called her dad...he said go ahead and take her around, but she wanted me to walk with her, and I knew that I couldn't physically (I am disabled), nor was I dressed to do so. (I expected to just drop her off and then go home.) She cries and carries on...so I got upset and came home to grab my cigs (yeah--I know, bad habit!) and while here, her dad decided to take her out  so that I could fix supper and eat.

She walked around by herself for a little bit, then fell in with some other friends that also had been stood-up...so from that point on, she was okay. She came home with a modest amount of candy for an hour's worth of trick or treating, but it's all she needed. She was happy.

The point in telling this story is to vent a little. I don't understand the cruelty of kids...and she seems to be getting a lot of misuse by her so-called 'friends'. When she went to school the next morning, she confronted the friend that had stood everyone up, and the excuse was that the friend's sister had been on the computer so they didn't make it to our town till sometime later. Lame.

So why didn't she call my niece and let her know? Where is the common courtesy there? These kids are 12-13 years old (going on 20, I swear!) and if it had been anything else, OMG--they'd been on the phone in a heartbeat!  

I realize that bullying and kids being cruel to each other has been going on for hundreds of years, but in the last few decades, it's ramped-up to where it's as common as breathing, and these kids have no conscience about each other's feelings or about what they do wrong.

Why? Why? Why? 

I don't understand. What is happening to our kids?

Thanks for reading...


                         

Monday, October 29, 2012

Newspaper Headlines (Humor)




In light of Hurricane Sandy's impending landfall...I thought I'd steal a moment and and lighten the mood with these headline gaffes!

Enjoy!




* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

* British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

* Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

* Eye Drops off Shelf

* Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

* Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

* Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

* Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

* Stolen Painting Found by Tree

* Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

* Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

* Drunken Drivers Paid $1000

* If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

* Deer Kill 17,000

* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

* Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

* British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

* Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

* New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

* Air Head Fired

* Steals Clock, Faces Time

* Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under-sheriff

* Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

* Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

* Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

* Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

* Include your Children when Baking Cookies

* Marv Albert Gets Pink Slip

* Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

* Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

* Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

* Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing


                               

Friday, October 19, 2012

My apologies

Moon...10/19/12  6:05 p.m. EST


I want to offer my sincere apologizes to my followers for not having wrote anything substantial in a while. My mind has been all over the place for weeks on end, and I have really had a hard time focusing on any one thing for long.

And I don't know why...but I have a feeling that it is another facet of my depression. 

As well, it has been a busy Summer and early Fall for me. I had all my teeth removed back in the early Spring, then had to wait for over 2 months before I could have the dentist build my dentures. One more visit...next Wednesday, and I will be the proud owner of some new teeth! (I can actually "chew" again, and even eat the foods that I have missed sooo much!!!)

Of course, there was the garden that we tended to and harvested; the photography; many hours of just sitting outside watching the birds and the clouds, and feeling the breezes on my face. 

Heaven.

With the school year starting, came obligations for me to get my neice off to school in the morning, and pick her up at night after volleyball practice or her games. As well, she has been in physical therapy (1-2 times a week), so we are up and on the road before the sun begins to rise. After therapy...I drop her off to school.

Last week, I saw the surgeon that put cortisone in my shoulders earlier this year, as I have suddenly developed a lump on the inside of my right wrist. Monday I will have an MRI on it, to determine whether it is a tumor or an aneurysm...and hopefully it won't turn out to be cancerous. 


(I will also be getting another round of cortisone in both shoulders...it's time. The pain is getting to be almost unbearable again. I don't like this 'getting older' thing...my body wants to give up on me!  Sigh...)

But that's a brief summary of what's going on in my life...and I am trying to get myself pulled together again after enjoying the Summer way-too-much and letting my mind drift way-too-far!

Thanks for reading...!

                        


Monday, October 15, 2012

Fall 2012 in photos

Washington hawthorn berries...10/4/12


Since I have an overabundance of photos that I have taken, I thought I would give you some other visions of Fall here in the Southern Tier of New York.

Burning bush in our yard...10/4/12

The hillside across the valley from us...10/4/12

sparrow...10/4/12

Red-winged blackbird...10/4/12

neighbor's maple (in orange)...10/5/12

another neighbor's maple...10/5/12

wild berries growing off a telephone pole guidewire...10/5/12

some weeds also turn red...10/5/12

burdocks...10/5/12

leaves on a tree in front of our house...10/5/12

hillside outside of Naples, NY...10/5/12

Another hillside outside of Naples, NY. Notice the haze...it's likely from
the high humidity we had during a spell of warmer weather...10/5/12

another view of the hill across the valley from us...10/6/12
(again, you can see the haze)

bale of wheat straw, beginning a growing cycle, despite the cold temps
10/10/12

Corn ready for harvesting...10/10/12

maple beginning to change...10/10/12

Honey locust leaves...after our first frost: 10/13/12

some leaves still cling to the Honey locust branches...10/13/12

burning bush...10/15/12


not sure what kind of tree/leaves these are...10/1/12

farm that sells vegetables and such...10/10/12

sumac beginning its change...10/1/12

assorted leaves in the yard...10/1/12

a stand of trees that got their colors early...10/1/12

small maple in our yard that is beginning to turn...10/3/12

found this little fella (caterpillar) on our porch...10/8/12

me playing with black and white on a cold cloudy day...10/6/12

This is how the valley looks today...10/15/12

I hope you enjoyed the photos!  Thanks for stopping by!


     

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Aging with a Smile [Humor]



[Here are some humorous quips about getting older.  All of us are...maybe some faster than others!  LOL  Enjoy!]

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we
get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they
haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down.  It's too hard to get back up.

And finally:  


Remember...You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.