Friday, August 31, 2012

Sarcastic Remarks For Work





And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...? 


This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 


I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 


Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 


If I throw a stick, will you leave? 


If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my 
cats. 


Does your train of thought have a caboose? 


Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 


A PBS mind in an MTV world. 


Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 


Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. 


Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 


See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 


Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 


A woman's favorite position is CEO. 


I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 


A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 


Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep 
yet. 


Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1? 


I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 


Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 


Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 


Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 


Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. 


I plead contemporary insanity. 


How do I set a laser printer to stun? 


Meandering to a different drummer. 


I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?








~~Have a nice day!  D ~~











          

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Laws of the Natural Universe






Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with

grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.

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[Aren't these things true though?  Have a good evening/day!  Thanks for stopping by!]




                       

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Life's Insights






1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley 
(lead Riverdancer) 

 2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll 
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own 
jars." - Bruce Willis 

3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything 
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on 
Satan.'" - George Burns 

4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 
'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock 

5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a 
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out 
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and 
the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from 
Seinfeld) 

6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic 
Luge Gold Medal winner 1996) 

7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: 
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry 
Kissenger (former US Secretary of State) 

8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the 
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman) 

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 
'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger 

10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're 
in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends") 

11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. 
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods 

12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in 
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently 
doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead) 

13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured 
by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose 
(Guns'n'Roses) 

14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment 
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson 

15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack 
Nicholson



[Thanks for stopping by!]



         

Friday, August 3, 2012

EXAM ANSWERS OF 16 YEAR OLDS







The  following questions were set in last year's GED examination  These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............they walk amongst us and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar     (Good choice)
  
Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire     ......sigh....

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight     .....me too?

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election        

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death                 (It stands to reason)

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow  (THAT I would like to witness)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow                                  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (Really???)                                                   

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie     
(Oh brother....)             


Q. What is the most common form of birth control 

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor.               (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport.           (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant)



(****This is from an email I received today!****)


Have a good weekend!  :)