Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My love/hate affair with the holidays

© Debra Myers

How do I begin to tell you how I am feeling these days...which has now turned into at least two weeks? Shall I define it in single words?  

Depression. Anxiety. Love/hate. Sadness. Withdrawal. Pain. Loneliness. 

This is nothing new for me. I have been dealing with seasonal depression for as along as I have been an adult, and it's always worse with the holidays coming up: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why?

I wish I could definitively tell you.

For me...I think all the traumatic incidences that have happened in my life coalesce at this time of year for some unknown reason. It all comes back to me in waves...some days it's my past that plays battle in my mind, other days it's whatever has happened in the last eight years, as far as my children go. 

There is moments of overwhelming sadness...of things lost...my innocence, my youth, my mom, my sense of family. And right now, I think that it's the sense of family...meaning that of my children not being loving with each other, that has me the most sad. I know why it's like this...I had hoped that it never would reach this point though.

I do love the holidays, but I hate the depression that arrives with them. It doesn't help that the season has become so bleak-looking outdoors, and is mostly always overcast. The weather/seasons do play a HUGE part in my depression states, believe it or not.

I always, always want to 'do' more for my kids and grand-kids for Christmas, and that eats at me too...that I can't. Living on a fixed income sucks...even though I have no other choice. I do the best I can...but tell that to a brain that won't absorb that thought permanently. 

But, for now, I will go...my mind is getting mushy with all these thoughts. 

Oh--the reason for the photo up top? That's how I feel these days...like an old, beat-up classic. 

I'll be okay...honest!  More to come soon!

Thanks for reading!

                                   

                                   




7 comments:

  1. Sure can relate Debra. Maybe that's why I go under at Christmas too. Has always affected me that way. And when folks ask "are you looking forward to Christmas" ... well I wish they wouldn't ask.

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    1. Yep--'going under' is a good term too. Sigh...all I know is it sure is miserable.

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  2. This time of year with the holidays, Thanksgiving, Christmas and not to mention New Years have always been difficult for me too. So much "love" and "happiness" in the air. All year long, everywhere you turn, there is pain, hurt, disappointment, tragedy. But for 6 weeks we all put smiles on our faces and everyone pretends we love each other and times are good. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy traditions and celebrations of Thankful hearts. My problem is the "disappointment" AFTER all is said and done. When nothing changes.

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    1. When nothing changes. That's a mouthful right there.

      My biggest pain these days in my heart is the fact that my kids no longer get along well with each other...it's not just geography anymore. This is not what my idea of family is...I wanted what family was "supposed" to be for my own family! I don't know that I will ever see it though.

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  3. I also battle depression, a lifelong struggle, beginning with being born into a monstrous, abusive, "religious" family of sickening hypocrites. Christmas has always been the WORST of the holidays! How I hate that whole season! I love Jesus, but HATE Christmas. Kinda weird, huh? The gray, gloomy days also affect me, especially during the long depressing winter months. We have much in common, my friend. And that is what we need to remember. When we feel so sad and alone, we need to remember those special friends God has brought into our lives to help us through this life of struggle and sadness. I am thankful for YOU! You are better than any of the "family" I was born into. I love you! I wish we lived closer! I miss you! We all need to work at focusing on the GOOD things and people in our lives - I need to remember this most of all! Count our blessings & pray about the bad situations & give them over to God. They're out of our control anyway! Happy Thanksgiving - I am thankful for YOU! :-)

    -L-

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    1. And I love and am thankful for you too! Big hugs!

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    2. :-) You rock! :-)

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