Monday, December 10, 2012

A sudden realization




Last night, I had a long talk with my youngest son, and we were discussing how dysfunctional our family has gotten, beyond my little family of my three children and I. (Referring to his step-sisters and that side of his family.) We were are amazed at how far things have progressed to the point of lies being spread, back-stabbing, threats being made, and the list goes on.

Then too, he talked about how his life had gone downhill over the past two years, and I reminded him that mine hadn't been a bowl of cherries either, that I too had made some bad choices...specifically in men. (My effort to lighten his burden and point out that he's not alone in having made bad choices in women.)

Then it hit me. Wham!  Like a pile of bricks fell on my chest and tears welled in my eyes. 

It was the sudden realization that I am literally afraid of men, beyond those in my family. Yes--afraid.

Why? Because I no longer am able to trust men I meet because I don't know if they are one of "them". 

Them: Rapists; child molesters; mentally/emotionally/physically/sexually abusive men too. 

I told my son exactly these things, and all the while, fought against letting any tears fall. Then...a little later, a weight seemed to lift off me...this revelation that I admitted seemed to suck all the heaviness away that I'd felt lately.

It's something I know that I am going to have to deal with, and work on...I know not all men are bad. It's not like these men are monsters that stand out in the crowd...we probably know more than we'd like to admit. I know I do...but I keep my distance. REALLY keep my distance.

THIS is the monster under my bed...but now that it knows I know it's there...it doesn't scare me any more!

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Crows

Photo of a crow landing in our yard
this past Summer (2012)

It's not often that I dream of creatures other than dogs and cats (that I remember). But for the first time last night I had a dream about crows. Not a lot of them...maybe a half dozen or so that I recall.

Since it's been hours since I woke from the dream, much has gone from my memory except for bits and pieces. But it's enough to give me the essence of the dream.

It's a funny thing that in many of my dreams, I never dream about the place I live in at that moment in time...and it was no different in this dream. I have no idea what house it was, it was unfamiliar to me, and I can't even say that the other person in the dream was a familiar person to me either. Yet--somehow--I knew that person...otherwise the dream wouldn't have flowed the way it did.

We were inside the home, and I went to open the door, and there were the crows, not far from the house, some on the ground, some in the trees. Something told me not to go out, but I needed to get some air in the house, it was horribly stuffy and hot in there, so I left the door open a little.

A crow landed on the top edge of the door, and I quickly pulled it further shut, so that it couldn't enter the house. All through this dream, there was dialogue with the other person, but I remember none of it. 

I wasn't necessarily scared, but definitely worried about these crows, and it seemed terribly important that they did not get into the house, nor should we go out. There was no sense of doom or evil intent in the dream either, which is puzzling...but a good thing, I guess.

I am more than familiar with all the labels and the stigma that is attached to these birds...and ravens too...but there wasn't any of that in my dream. And I am not afraid of the birds...to me they are just that...birds.

Being curious, I 'Googled' what it might mean, and the one that makes the most sense to me is this, which said:



To me, it's more about change...not about death. A new beginning, maybe, of one thing or another...and we  are  fast approaching 2013!  I'm game...it's time for some changes...more within me, not about geography! I am quite happy right where I am!  

Any thoughts?

Thanks for reading!


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Struggling through

photo by me: Debra Myers 2012



For the last four weeks, more or less, I have been struggling mentally, because of having depression and PTSD. It happens to me every year at this time, right before the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays roll in. I honestly can't pin-point when it started, all I know is that I can't remember ever living my life without this low point every year.

I know that it is the sum total of a lot of things, both internal and external, things that are within my control to some degree, and other things that are out of my control. I am a worrier, stress over finances, especially around Christmas (I live on a fixed  income), worry about what my kids will think of me one way or another...and I know I shouldn't. I am their mom, after-all...and can only do what I can do.

This time of year has a sense of loss in it for me, even after 37 years, when I suffered through the following holidays without my mom. (She was killed by a drunk driver, Feb. 8, 1975.) From that point on...I've always felt that hole, but it has gotten somewhat better over the years.

I think what was my biggest set-back this year, why I can't shake off the depression, is due to having joined two closed groups on Facebook for survivors of sexual abuse. Reading their stories, only made my own angst worse...and having the ability to see these things happen in my mind while reading their stories...only hit home with me over and over again.

I started having flashbacks to my time in Wisconsin a little over a year ago...and it got to the point that I just felt myself sinking further into the abyss...again. So I have distanced myself from the groups...I thought I could handle things, handle talking about the things I've been though, but apparently there are still some things too close to me in time that I haven't yet distanced myself from.

It's been a several days since I have actively participated on the one group, and it's not because of them, but the self-preservation mode within me kicking-in. Already, I feel the grip of the depression/PTSD loosening its grip on me...and the flashbacks have subsided. It's enough for me to function again. I know I can pull through the Christmas holiday okay.

Thanks for reading.