Struggling through
 |
| photo by me: Debra Myers 2012 |
For the last four weeks, more or less, I have been struggling mentally, because of having depression and PTSD. It happens to me every year at this time, right before the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays roll in. I honestly can't pin-point when it started, all I know is that I can't remember ever living my life without this low point every year.
I know that it is the sum total of a lot of things, both internal and external, things that are within my control to some degree, and other things that are out of my control. I am a worrier, stress over finances, especially around Christmas (I live on a fixed income), worry about what my kids will think of me one way or another...and I know I shouldn't. I am their mom, after-all...and can only do what I can do.
This time of year has a sense of loss in it for me, even after 37 years, when I suffered through the following holidays without my mom. (She was killed by a drunk driver, Feb. 8, 1975.) From that point on...I've always felt that hole, but it has gotten somewhat better over the years.
I think what was my biggest set-back this year, why I can't shake off the depression, is due to having joined two closed groups on Facebook for survivors of sexual abuse. Reading their stories, only made my own angst worse...and having the ability to see these things happen in my mind while reading their stories...only hit home with me over and over again.
I started having flashbacks to my time in Wisconsin a little over a year ago...and it got to the point that I just felt myself sinking further into the abyss...again. So I have distanced myself from the groups...I thought I could handle things, handle talking about the things I've been though, but apparently there are still some things too close to me in time that I haven't yet distanced myself from.
It's been a several days since I have actively participated on the one group, and it's not because of them, but the self-preservation mode within me kicking-in. Already, I feel the grip of the depression/PTSD loosening its grip on me...and the flashbacks have subsided. It's enough for me to function again. I know I can pull through the Christmas holiday okay.
Thanks for reading.
I found when I was doing some paid writing for groups that dealt with abuse, depression, all those darker sides of life, it just made me feel 100 million times worse! So I decided it really just wasn't worth it. I have a connection with people who struggle with these issues, but to spend so much time dragging up these memories together, I think it is extremely unhealthy & unwise.I'm glad to hear you have distanced yourself from the groups. It's for the best, it really is! I hate the holidays with all of my unhappy family memories & current issues, so I know how you feel! Just try to keep yourself & your mind occupied with the positive aspects in your life - I'll try to do the same! Love ya lots!
ReplyDelete-L-
Thanks for the encouraging words! Love ya back!
DeleteThis is a really good verse from Phillipians 4:8 "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."
ReplyDeleteWe're to think on GOOD things - don't let the past horrors keep you a prisoner of depression.
Thank you...I think I needed that! :)
Delete