Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? (Humor)



BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road...

SARAH PALIN: BECAUSE, PRAISE JESUS, I WAS GONNA SHOOT HIS SORRY LIBERAL ASS OFF FOR BLOCKING MY VIEW OF RUSSIA!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


[Have a great day!  Thanks for reading!]

Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Dog's Life (Humor)

Daniel 2013

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets.
- Nora Ephron

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Unknown

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
- Christopher Morley

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andrew A. Rooney

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck



** I will be moving tomorrow and am not just how soon I will get a chance to get back online (I am hoping I will be back in a week!)...so in the meantime, enjoy my posts...peace & happiness...

Deb

Sunday, October 27, 2013

"Old" is when... (Humor)



...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!



Thanks for stopping by!

Deb

Top 13 Worst Slogan Translations Ever (Humor)



13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."

11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

9) Pepsi’s "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.

7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6) Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

3) The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn’t Go".

1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."



Have a great day!  :)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Deb's long grain & wild rice veggie dish



A few months ago, with the encouragement of my boyfriend, I decided to try making something different, some 'food' that would appeal to my palate. I searched the cupboards to see what I had that I could use and this dish was the "well-loved" result!

You will need:

2 quart sauce pan
water and the following ingredients:

1 box of something like Rice-A-Roni Long Grain & Wild Rice mix
1 bag of stir fry vegetables
1 packet of Taco seasoning mix.

A generic brand I use of Rice-A-Roni

Also a store brand

And I use the store brand
in this as well.


Follow the directions to prepare the rice mixture, and then add to the rice in the pan, at least half of the bag of stir fry veggies and half a packet of the taco seasoning. Bring to boil and follow the remaining directions on the rice box, until rice is tender.  There will be some standing sauce in the pan, most of which will be absorbed into the rice as it sits.

Optionally, and for a different taste, I have added chili seasoning (instead of the Taco seasoning), pickled Jalapeno peppers, green bell peppers (chopped), frozen peas and/or green beans, kidney beans...etc. The choices are yours!

Too...I think this dish would taste awesome with cubed chunks of chicken breast, if you want to add some meat to it!

Enjoy!

Deb


Sunday, September 15, 2013

Genius (Humor)





If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) 

  • Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
  • Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"    --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss US A contest.



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas .


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
-- A l Gore, Vice President


"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



Have a great day and thanks for stopping by! :)

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Bumper Sticker Humor









*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


*Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.


*IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.


*Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.


*Hang up and drive.


*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.


*Where there's a will...I want to be in it.


*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.


*Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


*Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.


*Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.


*If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.


*I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.


*Never take life seriously.


*Nobody gets out alive, anyway.


*Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)


*I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


*You have the right to remain silent.


*Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


*You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


*The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.


*Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.


*If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?


*The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.


*Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


*Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


*CATS: The other white meat


*I'm an imbecile and I vote


*Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch


*If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now


*Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!


*WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition


*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!


*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.


*You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!


*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT


*Grow your own dope, plant a man


Sunday, July 7, 2013

Dare to Be (Inspiration)





“Dare to Be"


"When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.



When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.



When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.



When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.



When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.



When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.



When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.



When times are tough, dare to be tougher.



When love hurts you, dare to love again.



When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.



When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.



When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.



When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.



When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.



When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.



Dare to be the best you can –


At all times, Dare to be!” 



  

  

Saturday, July 6, 2013

A new chapter begins

bouquet of flowers


After the ordeal in Wisconsin almost 20 months ago (found in my earlier blogs from 2 Summers ago) , I swore I was done with men and relationships. I had enough of the lies and deceptions; I'd had enough of making bad choices and no longer trusted myself to make a 'good' decision where men were concerned; I needed time to "find" me again...dealt with the knowledge that if I never met someone, I would be content to remain single until my last breath. 

And really...who would want "me"? That's the biggest thought I lived with all of this time. 

Then...something happened that changed everything for me.

Mike and I went to school together, so many years ago...and had become 'friends' on Facebook almost 2 years ago. We had moments of conversations over that time, nothing more than a comment here and there, and I could see that he was living a good life down South. (Between Florida and New Orleans.) He seemed happy in the relationship he was in...and life seemed good for/to him.

Then, in late May, I saw a comment or status update of his, and I offered a kind word...and began to wonder what was going on. I went to his page and there, discovered that he was not living in New Orleans but was back here in New York, and single. That blew me away!

We began chatting a little more on Facebook, exchanged cell phone numbers, and one day Mike called me...wanting to come and visit 'an old school friend' and do some reminiscing and catching up on our lives. I honestly hesitated...excited in the knowledge that he wanted to do this, yet afraid of what he might think of my looks now. I fought my own fear and told him yes...he could come visit me. 

I won't deny that I was extremely nervous...36 years is a long time since our time together in school. I was scared too...of so many things...but they were internalized...I was scared of 'me'.

About one o'clock he arrived, climbing out of his car and giving me a bouquet of fresh wild flowers. A while later he took me to lunch at a local diner. We talked, and talked, came back home...and talked more. 

It was amazing that we are so much alike, finding ourselves on the same page about an infinite number of things, it was amazing and incredible that we meshed so well! I never thought something like this could be possible.

As the hours passed, he ate supper with my brother, niece and I, and then decided he should say goodbye about 8:30 p.m. that evening. He hugged me and I have to tell you that I didn't want to let Mike go! After he left...I was so lost!

How is that even possible???

Later that evening, we chatted again on Facebook, and I told him that I missed him terribly, that I was scared of what I was feeling...and hadn't wanted him TO leave...to which he replied that he hadn't wanted to end his visit, but felt he should...and very much missed me too. 

Weeks have passed since then, and we actually started an official relationship on June 1st. In these last weeks, we have become so much closer, and although it has been just a handful of weeks, it feels like I/we have known each other a very long time.

I have never known this kind of love and understanding...we are true soulmates in every sense of the word. It is absolutely wonderful!

Have a wonderful weekend...

Deb

  

  



Dehumanization

window looking outside...7/5/13

A new story has begun in my life...one of beauty...one of sorrow. In the week ahead, I will begin at the beginning, but for now, I am starting here, where the biggest travesty is occurring.

Michael, my boyfriend, has hit rock bottom. In the last 6 months or so, things evolved which were completely out of his control. His own brother attempted to kill him while high on crack; he lost his unemployment weeks ago; was evicted from the place he was living because he couldn't pay his rent; had to surrender his car because he was unable to pay for it; and now...he's had to turn to welfare for help. 

(As a side note, he had been living in New Orleans up until 6 months ago, returning 'home' to New York.)

I was with him when he applied for emergency help at the Department of Social Services...and watched as it tore him to pieces to have to be this low in his life, and saw how the whole process of applying and being interviewed shredded his dignity. The questions asked, the 'rules' one must follow while receiving welfare dehumanize you...inch by inch, until you walk out of that place, feeling little better than the dirt under your feet.

I know. I have been that route before in my own life. But in the years since, those rules and questions asked have become even more grueling...and it is perverted in many ways. 

Mike was told, point blank, that no one can give him ANYTHING, because it is considered 'income'. No tobacco, no food, no time on his cell phone...I mean, really? Here is a man that is ex-Navy, has worked his whole life, has no criminal record, and has been looking for a job, and they expect him to continue looking when he would have no means to contact or be contacted if a job was found (after his cell phone minutes expire)? 

What is sickening, is sitting there watching other people apply for welfare or recertifying, with cell phones...there was no one there that didn't have one! Some were even fancier than my own...yet they tell Mike, threaten him with jail IF someone puts time on his cell and he doesn't 'report' it???? 

Then, because he was homeless, they put Mike in a boarding house not a block from the county building. What a horrible place it is!  The outside is ramshackle, and the inside is disgusting. Mike's room there, isn't much bigger than a jail cell, the tiles on the floor are cracked; efforts made to patch holes in the walls are clearly visible; the paint around the window and frame are cracked and chipped (how much lead leaks from there, we wonder); the bed frame is, by looks, something that might have been a hospital bed (even the paint on it is dirty and chipped)...40 years ago and the supposed 'new' mattress is boney, you can see the definition of the springs through the padding.

 How is this right? 

This system was designed for such instances, yet every person that goes there for help...for the first time...gets treated like crap.

I will let you judge for yourself...here are more photos of Mike's 'room':

door and wall with desk/single lamp to light the room

small dresser with fridge

bed and mattress

some type of cupboard I didn't dare open

wall above desk

wall across from fridge

floor

floor and wall along the floor

window sill

window

single radiator


Is THIS how anyone should have to live? 

Really?

It is just so wrong. This is AMERICA! 

Thanks for reading,

Deb

 


Thursday, June 20, 2013

Morning thought, June 20th, 2013

June 5, 2013


We are born, we live, we die. That is the nature of life. 

The question here is: Are we really living, or are we existing?

Some people might not understand my terminology, so I will explain. 

'Existing' is just living day to day: get up; go to work if you have a job; come home; and finish the day out in front of the TV or what have you. Basically, fast paced with no time to really enjoy living.

'Living', on the other hand, is really taking the time to enjoy life to the best of your ability. It means, taking time out and 'absorbing' the things around you. Reflecting on their individual beauty. 

June 4, 2013


Step outside, on your balcony, deck, porch, or yard...and really "look" at what is around you. See the flower or blade of grass for it's beauty and purpose. Enjoy it! Listen to the sounds of laughter, or birds...watch them...marvel at them. Smell the air...be thankful that it's there...and all that it does for us on this planet. If you can, touch a flower, the bark of a tree...even a brick on a building and just reflect on its creation and purpose. FEEL everything...that is "living".

hummingbird, June 3, 2013


Each day, 'live', 'laugh' and 'love'...and never take a moment for granted. Be thankful for every moment of every day, be thankful you are alive. Enjoy your life...just don't 'exist'. 

And finally...teach your children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews well. Teach them to love and cherish all forms of life. This is what it is here for!

Thanks for reading!