Sunday, September 15, 2013

Genius (Humor)





If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.


(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) 

  • Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
  • Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"    --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss US A contest.



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas .


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
-- A l Gore, Vice President


"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery


"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



Have a great day and thanks for stopping by! :)

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Bumper Sticker Humor









*Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


*Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.


*IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.


*Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.


*Hang up and drive.


*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.


*Where there's a will...I want to be in it.


*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.


*Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


*Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.


*Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.


*If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.


*I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.


*Never take life seriously.


*Nobody gets out alive, anyway.


*Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)


*I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


*You have the right to remain silent.


*Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


*You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.


*The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.


*Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.


*If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?


*The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.


*Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


*Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


*CATS: The other white meat


*I'm an imbecile and I vote


*Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch


*If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now


*Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!


*WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition


*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!


*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.


*You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!


*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT


*Grow your own dope, plant a man