Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Personal Ads Probably Not Answered (Humor)



Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.
$800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.
Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.
Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories
and help stock secluded mountain shelter.  Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age
music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.ISO compatible F.

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or
w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman
of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your friends in closets, We already have three things in common! Let's get together.

DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner
beauty. Send latest X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar
Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must.  Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown
on"The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot



Have a great day and thanks for stopping by!

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid (Humor)




*A few clowns short of a circus

*A few fries short of a Happy Meal

*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity

*A few beers short of six-pack

*A few peas short of a casserole

*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl

*One taco short of a combination plate

*A few feathers short of a whole duck

*All foam, no beer

*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

*Too much yardage between the goalposts

*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools

*As smart as bait

*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair

*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

*Forgot to pay his brain bill

*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

*His belt doesn't go through all the loops

*If he had another brain, it would be lonely

*No grain in the silo

*Proof that evolution can go in reverse

*Receiver is off the hook

*Several nuts short of a full pouch

*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down



Have a good one...thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

A set of inspirational quotes




As I am known for inspirational quotes on my Facebook page, Serendipity...I would like to share some here that I found on a website via Oprah

I have a fondness for quotes like this, as they become a reminder not to belittle myself, that there really is hope out there for us, as well as helping me with my own bouts of depression. 

I truly hope that of these, you will find one that will sing to your soul.

























And with that, I bid you all a wonderful day!

Remember, "LIKE" my page on Facebook and stay updated! 

Friday, August 8, 2014

Nimble Fingers

Doily clock


Although I haven't been very active on here for some time, rest assured that I have been somewhat busy elsewhere! One can usually find me posting things to my Etsy site: Serendipitousmakings where you will find the items that I will show here and so much more!

I usually crochet only at night while watching TV but grab ideas and patterns from every source out there!  

As you saw above, I have crocheted doily clocks...here is another design:



doily clock

I have created a few card designs, using my own hand drawing and adding either a crocheted dragonfly, butterfly or flowers:


flower bouquet

dragonfly with cattail

I have also made soda or water bottle cozies:

water bottle cozi
 I've recently made a variety of key chains:

sunbonnet

tiny bag to carry change or an extra key in

a miniature, functional purse to carry change in....

crocheted rings, sliver chain and silver beads adorn this keyring

pretty flower

chapstick or lipstick holder to carry on your purse, jacket or keys


In my Etsy store you will find more doilies, baskets, kitchen helpers...please feel free to check it out!  

As well, you can find Serendipity on Facebook...a place dedicated to words of wisdom, sincerity, strength, courage and growth--be it spiritual or emotional/mental!

(Links can always be found in the upper right hand corner of each blog!)

Have a great day/evening...thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Rules for Bank Robbers (Humor with a bit of truth!)




According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business.  This information
was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank,"
by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras,
76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank
before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the
loot.  Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with
examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank.  Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money.  On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank.  A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway.  She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller.  Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan.
One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and
down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant.  She hailed a passing
police car, and the police picked him up.  Another teller was given a holdup
note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note.  Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope
bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford,
Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and
account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables.  A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini.  The police captured him at his house, where he
showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy.  A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun.  Give me all your twenties in this envelope."  The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties."  The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise.  A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.  Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.  Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars.  They succeeded only in drawing
attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only.  Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base.  They drove up
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the
security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation.  It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police.  This resulted in the most
quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive.  In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out,
not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and
Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work.  One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while
trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in
the head and died instantly.  Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal
in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for
example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank
holdups reported.


Enjoy your day/night & thanks for stopping by! :)

PS: Don't forget to follow me and like my page on Facebook: Serendipity!!!

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Actual Lines from Resumes (Humor)



Actual Lines from Resumes:


I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>



Have a great one!

Deb

Paper dolls--Barbie and friends





I have to admit that I am truly surprised at how many people have read the "Paper Dolls" post I did some time ago. I would have never thought there would be so many that would find them interesting! Thank you all!

It is for you that I continue with this post...adding more paper dolls that may be even more familiar to most people: Barbie, Skipper and...of course...Ken. And yes, these are mostly vintage, but should still make a little girl happy!

In my day, the actual Barbie and Skipper dolls were my best friends, I took them everywhere with me!  I had tons of clothes, my mom made almost all of them! She was a very skilled seamstress! 


Skipper

Skipper's clothing

Retro Barbie

Retro Barbie

Retro Barbie

Retro Barbie 2

Retro Barbie

Retro Ken

Remember, download each photo, print on card stock and cut out to enjoy!


Enjoy and have a wonderful day/evening! 

Thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Random Ideas (Humor)





I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
-------------------------------------------------
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
-----------------------------------------------------
You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just looking at her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
-----------------------------------------------
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
--------------------------------------------------------
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
------------------------------------------------------------
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
---------------------------------------------------
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row
-------------------------------------------------------
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if you find one, what's your plan?



Have a great day! :)

Saturday, May 17, 2014

"Old" is when... (Humor)



...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all niter" means not getting up to pee!



**Okay folks...I have to admit that I have picked on older folk a lot lately, but hey--I am not longer a Spring chicken myself!  :)

Thanks for stopping by!