Saturday, May 17, 2014

"Old" is when... (Humor)



...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all niter" means not getting up to pee!



**Okay folks...I have to admit that I have picked on older folk a lot lately, but hey--I am not longer a Spring chicken myself!  :)

Thanks for stopping by!

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

You Know It's Time to Diet When... (Humor)



We've all been through it...the pain and agony of dieting or trying to, we've heard the snide remarks and avoided the scales at all cost! Forget going to the doctor's...who wants to be reminded you're heavier than you should be?

Since I know many of us that are wearing a bit more padding than others, I've found that we also have one Heck of a sense of humor!  

Well...here's to us!!!


You Know It's Time to Diet When...

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.




LOL--thanks for stopping by!

Monday, May 12, 2014

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: (Humor)




1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.



[[Thanks for stopping by!]]