Monday, January 26, 2015

Words for the Wise (Humor--with a twist of truth)




1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!


Laughter is good medicine!  Thanks for stopping by! 

Friday, January 23, 2015

Mississippi Student Absentees (Humor)





I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out
loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school
district. (Spellings have been left intact.)
****************************************************************


My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and
I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent
on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33

Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is
administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he playing
football. He hurt in the growing part.

Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she
has been bothered by very close veins.

Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no rain
cot and it was missing rain.

Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncle
died. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me."

Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in his
side .

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He
had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words were
crossed out in the ( )'s}

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He
had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his
bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it
Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We have
to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had a
cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. She
was in bed with gramps.

Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having a
gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under the
doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached
all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around, her father even got hot last night.



I hope I gave you a little giggle...!  Thanks for stopping by!

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Health Care (Humor with a touch of irony)






INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN ..

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three
Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forget
about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.


Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor
I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the
doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two
categories -- those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer
participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an
office just a half-day's drive away and has a
diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.


Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A  Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.


Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.


Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What
should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.


Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.


Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15
co-payment,  there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.



Have a great day/evening! :)

Friday, January 9, 2015

A Dog's Life (Humor with a lot of truth)



If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies.
- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead.
- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves.
- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely
certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
- James Thurber

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets.
- Nora Ephron

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
- Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get
used to the idea.
- Robert A. Heinlein

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fond memories!
- Dr. Tom Cat

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it.
- Unknown

Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
- Unknown

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does.
- Christopher Morley

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
- Josh Billings

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andrew A. Rooney

He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life,
his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat
of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
- Unknown

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
- Mark Twain

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
- Smiley Blanton

I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt,
and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.
- John Steinbeck


**Thanks for stopping by! :)


Monday, January 5, 2015

Cops with a Sense of Humor (Humor)




Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


Hope these amused you! Thanks for stopping by!