Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Bird Tags (Humor)



According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

    "Dear Sirs:

    While camping last week I shot one of your birds.  I think it was a crow.  I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."



LOL 

Have a good day/evening! 

Deb

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Larry's Proverbs (Humor with a bit of truth)




1.  A day without sunshine is like night.

2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're inthe wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt.


Thanks for stopping by! 

Deb

Saturday, August 27, 2016

True Doctor Stories (Humor)



 --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the family that the had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and  began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't even
read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes
covered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he
was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- when
my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So,
how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing his
residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The
middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish
I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."



Do you have a funny story? Tell us in the comments.

Thanks for stopping by....

Deb

Personal Ads (Humor)




Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''the Villages'' Florida newspapers:

(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and
belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


I hope these made you giggle a little! Every now and then, we have to let some humor in...just to retain our sanity.

Thanks for stopping by. 

Deb





Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Kids Marriage Advice (Humor)



( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like
sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10 --


( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10 --


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10 --


( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)


( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE
THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about
me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals!)


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)



HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT
IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10



Gotta love kids!  Have a great day!  Stop by again!

D.

Insults, When They had Class (Humor)



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde




Thanks for stopping by!  D.