Saturday, August 12, 2017

Things Not to Say to a Cop (Humor)



1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been going about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?"


Thanks for stopping by! Have a great day! 

Appropriate Signage (Humor)





In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
************************** 
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip.
Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."

**********
Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push.. Push. Push."

**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet
- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's
waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you
send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
And the best one for last............
Sign on the back of another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full
of Political Promises"

Thanks for stopping by! :) 


Thursday, January 12, 2017

Disorder in Our Courtrooms (Humor)





HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Have a great day! :)
[Found on Facebook, not my writing.]

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Halloween Coloring Pages

Hey there!  It's that time of year...for those that celebrate Halloween, I thought I would throw up some coloring pages to download, print and color. 

 Enjoy!









Thanks for stopping by! 

D

Monday, October 10, 2016

New Laws (Humor)




The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.



Thanks for stopping by....

D

Friday, September 30, 2016

Laws (Humor)



Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is
cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to
the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.



Isn't this all what we expect some days out of life? Oh the hilarity!

Thanks for stopping by!

Deb