Serendipity

IBS-D changes the way you live It wasn't that long ago, maybe 4-5 years, that I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I'd always known something wasn't right with me, there would be times that my skin felt like it was on fire and that anything touching my skin like clothing, made it almost intolerable. I've felt this since I was maybe 15 or 16 years old. (My mom likely had the same thing, as she also complained of this.) If you don't know Fibromyalgia is, the Mayo Clinic says:  " Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals. While there is no cure for Fibromyalgia, a variety of medications can help control symptoms. Exercise, relaxation and stress-reduction measures also may help." I take medication that really helps the nerves not misfire an...

© Debra Myers How do I begin to tell you how I am feeling these days...which has now turned into at least two weeks? Shall I define it in single words?   Depression. Anxiety. Love/hate. Sadness. Withdrawal. Pain. Loneliness.  This is nothing new for me. I have been dealing with seasonal depression for as along as I have been an adult, and it's always worse with the holidays coming up: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why? I wish I could definitively tell you. For me...I think all the traumatic incidences that have happened in my life coalesce at this time of year for some unknown reason. It all comes back to me in waves...some days it's my past that plays battle in my mind, other days it's whatever has happened in the last eight years, as far as my children go.  There is moments of overwhelming sadness...of things lost...my innocence, my youth, my mom, my sense of family. And right now, I think that it's the sense of family...meaning that of my children no...

Sometime over the years, I have read that young teens (13-15) have something within them to draw to them spirits that haven't gone into the light for some reason. And this tends to be more true for those teens that are extremely sensitive, or emotionally/mentally troubled (and not necessarily to a big degree).  I'm not sure that the story that I am about to tell is the case, but I'll let you decide. In March of the year 2000, I moved in with my oldest son, having with me my other two children, who were 17 and 15 at the time. I continued living in the house after my oldest son and daughter moved out (within the next year) and my youngest son stayed with me. It was while the two of us were living there that this took place.  My youngest son was a lost soul at that time, his dad walked away and wanted nothing to do with him, and in many ways, I think he felt that he didn't belong any place, even though that was the furthest thing from the truth. He had his set o...

Remainder of Christmas This time of year really seems to stress everyone out...hurrying to buy gifts, making sure that all the groceries are bought for that perfect Christmas meal; the wrapping of gifts and decorating the tree and the house...it's no wonder that people get depressed or have bouts of anxiety. I know I do. For me, the pressure builds and builds...as I have said before, I always want to do more for my kids and grandchildren, yet I also know that there is only so much that my finances allow.  I really thought this holiday season would bog me down mentally and emotionally since this is the first year that I have not celebrated Thanksgiving or Christmas with at least one of my kids and their children. However, I was surprised that I wasn't...I was sad and did miss not being with them when they got up Christmas morning to open their presents, but it wasn't as bad as I had feared it would be. It always amazes me though that we all got through this busines...

Tomorrow is my 53rd birthday. It's supposed to be a festive time...yet I am not feeling very festive at all. For the first time in the last 34 years, my family...meaning my 3 children...are farther apart mentally and emotionally than I ever thought I'd see. I never thought I'd see a day when one of my children would harbor such distrust and anger toward me...yet here it is, literally slapping me across my face. I admit that I wasn't the greatest mom on earth...not even close. I made mistakes...which I have asked forgiveness for and was forgiven...yet I am finding out now that I wasn't. Not even close. Suddenly, I've found myself looking at not one, but two letters nearly dripping with venom...getting blamed for things that I had no control over, for things that I did or did not do...and they both seemed to scream at me that I am a failure as a mother to him.  I have wrote letters attempting to defend myself...but I already know that he has the mind...

My home...ever so briefly As I sit here, picking up the pieces of my life and moving forward...the man that still holds onto a piece of my heart passed away this morning at 5:15 CST.  It's been a struggle, not so much for me, but for his devoted family to be there by his side watching him fade from his life...and it is for them that my heart aches. They are all good people, people who have touched my life and have helped me get through the past several weeks. Whatever he became through his life, whomever he was...there was a part of him that was good...loving...sensitive...and kind. These are what I will focus on in my memories of him...forgiving him for what he did to me, because it's something I need to do. Today, as you go about your own lives, think about those in it that perhaps can use a little forgiveness. It doesn't mean you will forget what's been done to you...only that in order to find peace in your own lives, it may be something you need to do ...

Sadness often overwhelms me When I had my three kids, one of the things that I always hoped for was that we would be a very close family. And we were for the most part, even as my kids grew up and got out on their own. Between them, the kids weren't as close as I wished...but I was content with the way things were overall. But as things do, that changed...with the biggest change coming just recently...on my return from Wisconsin.   The biggest blow to our family unit was the arrest of my oldest son for murder. That was the crack that set the foundation of our family crumbling. The next rift was that of religion...my oldest two had turned to Christ in the last couple of years and began the push to covert my youngest and I. But we would not budge in our own beliefs.  When I returned from Wisconsin, the final nudge that has made this family fall even further--and maybe even irreparably--apart...is me. Not because I won't give in and become reborn again as a Christian, but...

A beginning...or...an end? As I sit here tonight, there is a lot going through my head. Last night, I received some news that although wasn't surprising, has effected me to some degree. I may be a lot of things, but cold-hearted isn't one of them. I have talked a lot about a man, who I spent 3-1/2 weeks with, got to know, and learned that he wasn't the kind, sweet man he pretended to be. And regardless of what I feel, it is unfair to continue speaking about that brief time ... now when he lies on his death bed in a hospital. He had another stroke two days ago, and this time, things are far worse.  He was completely paralyzed from what I understand, he could not talk and could only blink his eyes. His prognosis for recovery wasn't good.   Tonight though, the information came that said he now can't swallow, and they are forcing fluids into him, trying to make him comfortable...he doesn't have long to live. I find it very sad to know that his life is ...

When I made the decision to move to Wisconsin, I hadn't thought at the time that I had any real expectations, other than to enjoy a new start to the next adventure in my life...living one day at a time. Driving that moving van with what little belongings I had...perhaps a third of a 10-foot truck full...I was excited!  I felt so youthful again, as silly as that sounds, I'd found my spontaneity again...and was spreading my wings. The first couple of weeks there...I was so sure that I had made the right decision, that I had found a place to belong...had found a place I could again call "home".  I was in love again...and everything was falling in place. Out of the blue, he and I had our first argument, on which the following ones were built, an argument that could not find a compromise. Neither of us were willing to give in, but the biggest issue is that he wanted me to change and be someone I was not. By the end of the 2nd week there, I knew I was coming home.....

I am the first to admit that I haven't had the best of luck with love...having been married and divorced three times...whether it was because of what he did or because of something I did or did not do.  And here I am, 10 years after my breakdown, finding out that sometimes, love isn't enough to make things work.   Essentially, my move to Wisconsin didn't turn out like I hoped/dreamed it would.  I really thought, I really believed I was ready for a new start, a new relationship...but I am not.  Not mentally or emotionally.  Too many ghosts still haunt me, too much has happened too fast.  I took too big of a step and have spent that last couple of weeks in misery...my depression has returned along with a ton of self-doubts. Also, there is the fact that this man and I don't mesh as well as I thought we would...we are too old and too set in our ways.  When we clash, we clash hard yet we have had some wonderful times together...I can't deny that....

  “The further you drift from shore, the more likely you are to be lost at sea.” No truer   words could be said.  They imbody exactly what I've felt like and have been doing for years on end...drifting and drifting away from shore.  It's felt like the more I tried to swim back to shore, the more the current took me further from the shore. From the time I was 16, when my mother was killed in a vehicular accident and throughout most of my adult years, life took me in the direction of not only being a wife and mother, but taught me about the struggle to survive through poverty, abusive husbands, and eventually...lifethrew me the hardest curveballs of all: a nervous breadown and the arrest/coviction of my oldest son for murder.  What small steps I had taken in my recovery were slippery at best...for every few steps I took, I seemed to slide backwards at least half of them. Somehow, somewhere over the years, I had lost a part of myself...the part that is m...

I cannot improve or add anything to this anonymous letter received in May, 1982 from a mother in upstate New York. She belongs in this book. --Erma Bombeck “ANONYMOUS” Dear Erma, You feel like my best friend. The only thing that surprised me was to find out that I am taller than you. Anyway, I have something I want to talk to you about. There is no solution to this. I just want you to know we exist, we are human too and we hurt with the helplessness I can’t begin to describe. I belong to a group of people that doesn’t even know it’s a group. We have no organization, no meetings, no spokesperson, we don’t even know each other. Each of us, as individuals, are way back in the closet with the rats and cockroaches. We may not even be any different than our neighbors. We look the same, talk and act the same, yet when people know our secret, they shun us as lepers. We are parents of criminals. We too love our children. We too tried to bring them up the best way we knew how. There is small sol...