Serendipity

Last night, I had a long talk with my youngest son, and we were discussing how dysfunctional our family has gotten, beyond my little family of my three children and I. (Referring to his step-sisters and that side of his family.) We were are amazed at how far things have progressed to the point of lies being spread, back-stabbing, threats being made, and the list goes on. Then too, he talked about how his life had gone downhill over the past two years, and I reminded him that mine hadn't been a bowl of cherries either, that I too had made some bad choices...specifically in men. (My effort to lighten his burden and point out that he's not alone in having made bad choices in women.) Then it hit me. Wham!  Like a pile of bricks fell on my chest and tears welled in my eyes.  It was the sudden realization that I am literally afraid of men, beyond those in my family. Yes-- afraid . Why? Because I no longer am able to trust men I meet because I don't know if they are

Photo of a crow landing in our yard this past Summer (2012) It's not often that I dream of creatures other than dogs and cats (that I remember). But for the first time last night I had a dream about crows. Not a lot of them...maybe a half dozen or so that I recall. Since it's been hours since I woke from the dream, much has gone from my memory except for bits and pieces. But it's enough to give me the essence of the dream. It's a funny thing that in many of my dreams, I never dream about the place I live in at that moment in time...and it was no different in this dream. I have no idea what house it was, it was unfamiliar to me, and I can't even say that the other person in the dream was a familiar person to me either. Yet--somehow--I knew that person...otherwise the dream wouldn't have flowed the way it did. We were inside the home, and I went to open the door, and there were the crows, not far from the house, some on the ground, some in the trees. S

photo by me: Debra Myers 2012 For the last four weeks, more or less, I have been struggling mentally, because of having depression and PTSD. It happens to me every year at this time, right before the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays roll in. I honestly can't pin-point when it started, all I know is that I can't remember ever living my life without this low point every year. I know that it is the sum total of a lot of things, both internal and external, things that are within my control to some degree, and other things that are out of my control. I am a worrier, stress over finances, especially around Christmas (I live on a fixed  income), worry about what my kids will think of me one way or another...and I know I shouldn't. I am their mom, after-all...and can only do what I can do. This time of year has a sense of loss in it for me, even after 37 years, when I suffered through the following holidays without my mom. (She was killed by a drunk driver, Feb. 8, 1975