Serendipity

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's. 11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect. 13. Everyday I beat m...

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) **************************************************************** My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on  Jan. 28 , 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is administrating Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he playing football. He hurt in the growing part. Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no rain cot and it was missing rain. ...

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN .. Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification...

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. - Unknown Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a co...

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last quest...