Monday, December 10, 2012

A sudden realization

Last night, I had a long talk with my youngest son, and we were discussing how dysfunctional our family has gotten, beyond my little family of my three children and I. (Referring to his step-sisters and that side of his family.) We were are amazed at how far things have progressed to the point of lies being spread, back-stabbing, threats being made, and the list goes on.

Then too, he talked about how his life had gone downhill over the past two years, and I reminded him that mine hadn't been a bowl of cherries either, that I too had made some bad choices...specifically in men. (My effort to lighten his burden and point out that he's not alone in having made bad choices in women.)

Then it hit me. Wham!  Like a pile of bricks fell on my chest and tears welled in my eyes. 

It was the sudden realization that I am literally afraid of men, beyond those in my family. Yes--afraid.

Why? Because I no longer am able to trust men I meet because I don't know if they are one of "them". 

Them: Rapists; child molesters; mentally/emotionally/physically/sexually abusive men too. 

I told my son exactly these things, and all the while, fought against letting any tears fall. Then...a little later, a weight seemed to lift off me...this revelation that I admitted seemed to suck all the heaviness away that I'd felt lately.

It's something I know that I am going to have to deal with, and work on...I know not all men are bad. It's not like these men are monsters that stand out in the crowd...we probably know more than we'd like to admit. I know I do...but I keep my distance. REALLY keep my distance.

THIS is the monster under my bed...but now that it knows I know it's doesn't scare me any more!


  1. I'm glad you had a good talk with your son & you both got to talk some of these issues out, helping each other in the process. No, not all men are bad, my hubby is an example of the good ones out there - so there's gotta be more like him! For now, it might be for the best that you "keep your distance" and are wary. There's nothing wrong with being wary & on guard - at least until you are SURE of what kind of man they are.
    Love ya!

    1. No--you got the king of the crop! LOL

      Love ya too! :)

    2. He's a good egg, for sure! (Charlie Brown)

      You deserve someone just as nice!!! Don't settle for anything less - when you're ready!

  2. I so hear you Deb and I can relate. But for many years now I have worked with all kinds of men and there are indeed, some very good ones out there. I got lucky. I married one. But I have met others who would be as revolted by your experience as you are. The hard part, of course is finding those good men but we cannot tarnish all with the same brush. You know, innocent until proven guilty. Trouble is, women so often don't find out till it's too late.

    1. I know there are good men out there...and to those I apologize. It's not them that I am afraid's finding yet another creep that would probably destroy me completely mentally/emotionally the next time around.

      That is why I say that I am so very happy being as I am, single and I am finding myself more and more every day. If I die a single old woman...I am really okay with that! :)