My love/hate affair with the holidays

© Debra Myers

How do I begin to tell you how I am feeling these days...which has now turned into at least two weeks? Shall I define it in single words?  

Depression. Anxiety. Love/hate. Sadness. Withdrawal. Pain. Loneliness. 

This is nothing new for me. I have been dealing with seasonal depression for as along as I have been an adult, and it's always worse with the holidays coming up: Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why?

I wish I could definitively tell you.

For me...I think all the traumatic incidences that have happened in my life coalesce at this time of year for some unknown reason. It all comes back to me in waves...some days it's my past that plays battle in my mind, other days it's whatever has happened in the last eight years, as far as my children go. 

There is moments of overwhelming sadness...of things lost...my innocence, my youth, my mom, my sense of family. And right now, I think that it's the sense of family...meaning that of my children not being loving with each other, that has me the most sad. I know why it's like this...I had hoped that it never would reach this point though.

I do love the holidays, but I hate the depression that arrives with them. It doesn't help that the season has become so bleak-looking outdoors, and is mostly always overcast. The weather/seasons do play a HUGE part in my depression states, believe it or not.

I always, always want to 'do' more for my kids and grand-kids for Christmas, and that eats at me too...that I can't. Living on a fixed income sucks...even though I have no other choice. I do the best I can...but tell that to a brain that won't absorb that thought permanently. 

But, for now, I will go...my mind is getting mushy with all these thoughts. 

Oh--the reason for the photo up top? That's how I feel these days...like an old, beat-up classic. 

I'll be okay...honest!  More to come soon!

Thanks for reading!