Broken...Been away too long...

Sunrise, Nov. 3, 2011

Over the years, I have been aware that as time went on, I was loosing more and more of my 'self'...and for a long time I really thought it had everything to do with my depression (PTSD) and breakdown (in 2001). But then again...although they were a part of it, there were also other factors that had a direct bearing on what was happening to my loss of self. 

I have been spent most of my life caring for others, beyond the capacity of just being a mother and wife. For a couple of years, after the death of my mom when I was 16, I became responsible for running our household, doing all the things my mom did, which included taking care of my brother and sister, and being a student myself. 

Into adulthood, I became a mom at the age of 18, and a wife just before my 19th birthday. When I had my second and third child, I was in my second marriage...and was a full time step-mom to three children as well. 

Marriage three...wasn't so draining, as there were no children other than my two youngest to raise, and my husband wasn't a burden in the sense I had to take care of him too. But of course, I still felt I was giving more of myself away and none of it came back to me. 

After my breakdown, I lived with my daughter and was with her through the birth of all three of her children...and as they grew, and she entered the work force, I stepped-up and babysat my grandchildren while she worked. At the time, it seemed the right thing to do. 

But I realize now...with the help of my sister in a conversation she and I had today, my living with my daughter actually drained me as much if not more than what all the years prior had. Instead of getting better...mentally and emotionally, it hindered me in ways that I didn't see until now. 

In the past few weeks that I have been back home in New York (after my move to Wisconsin that didn't work out, which I have talked about in my earlier posts) I have felt my 'self' coming back...not really the old me, but a new and improved version of me.

For along time, I really didn't know how to get this part of me back or if it would even come back...but it has and is. I feel life beginning to flow back through my veins again. It's the part of me that is a care-free spirit, who loves life and wants to live it, not to just 'exist'. 

Laughter comes easier, feelings are more intense...and aren't dulled by being so unhappy...feeling so used up. Even with the recent hurt and sorrows of a relationship gone wrong...it's okay...I am okay. It's not bogging me down...because I see it another lesson in living. An adventure I don't regret. 

I have been away from my self for so long...felt broken for so long...but I am coming back. I am learning to love those parts of me that were/are broken...they are a part of me too. 

I am reawakening...becoming...me.  Again. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes.

The video below, "Broken" by Seether (featuring Amy Lee) carries a duel meaning for me.  Enjoy....

"Broken"

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You're gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

[x2]
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You're gone away
You don't feel me here anymore