Monday, June 13, 2011

PTSD: Learning to cope with change

A skewed reality
When I had my nervous breakdown in 2001, a few things happened that were unsettling to me...the worst being my inability to easily adapt to change.  Maybe it's something that was always there but became more noticeable to me...I don't know.

On my first few trips to a therapist at mental health, I was then diagnosed as having Dysthymia...something that although true...was a foreign word to me.  I seriously had to do some real digging...and realized too that I've always had a problem with anxiety.  Maybe these two things go hand in hand.

I've always had a rough time being amongst a crowd of people that the noise level was extremely loud and there were multiple conversations going on around me.  The best way I can describe how it feels is that it is akin to vertigo...I seem to lose my sense of balance, making me feel light-headed and confused.  It's not a nice feeling at all.

After I moved into another county and had to restart my therapy with a new therapist, my new diagnosis became Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). That fit me just as well as the Dysthymia did.  But despite the label, the fact is that I have always been depressed, and as near as I can tell, it started sometime around my being molested at age 9.

I'd like to say that's when my inability to adapt to changes in my life began...but I can't.  I only know that since 2001 I have had an awful time with changes...some more-so than others.  I can say though, that this last move that brought us back into the county that I have grown to love wasn't a difficult change for me!

So...what does that say exactly?  I'm not sure...does it mean that I am slowly healing and moving on past these things...or it was just that coming "home" to this area was extremely comforting to me?


  1. I can tell you Deb, you are not alone. I have had similar feelings of anxiety all of my life, un- convertible at family reunions, parties and crowds.I would get overwhelmed and angrily with responsibility witch really affected my wife and children, something I have to carry with me to this day. It helps me to remind my self that these things are in the past and there is nothing I can do about them know. I realized that letting the past affect me is ruining my today's. I have strongly decided, at my age I am not going to let anything make me unhappy any more.
    Good luck on your quest for happiness Deb.

  2. Thank you, Pete. It's good to know that I am not alone...but for a long time it's felt that way. My kids don't understand...perhaps they never will.