Tomorrow is my 53rd birthday. It's supposed to be a festive time...yet I am not feeling very festive at all.
For the first time in the last 34 years, my family...meaning my 3 children...are farther apart mentally and emotionally than I ever thought I'd see. I never thought I'd see a day when one of my children would harbor such distrust and anger toward me...yet here it is, literally slapping me across my face.
I admit that I wasn't the greatest mom on earth...not even close. I made mistakes...which I have asked forgiveness for and was forgiven...yet I am finding out now that I wasn't. Not even close.
Suddenly, I've found myself looking at not one, but two letters nearly dripping with venom...getting blamed for things that I had no control over, for things that I did or did not do...and they both seemed to scream at me that I am a failure as a mother to him.
I have wrote letters attempting to defend myself...but I already know that he has the mindset that I am a liar...that I am a lunatic, or even insane. In his eyes, I am "a worthless piece of shit" because I wouldn't DO something for him, something that I was not able TO do for him.
I just don't understand.
All these years, I have allowed him to manipulate me, goad me into feeling guilty about whatever. He played my feelings and emotions, using them against me...to achieve whatever it was that he wanted. And he's been doing this to me since he was a little boy.
After returning from Wisconsin, and after that first letter dated just a couple of weeks ago, something snapped inside me, and I made the decision that this was not going to happen any more. Even with the letter that I received yesterday...I wasn't going to let him push me to a place that I refused to be.
However, in the process of writing him back today, I realized some things, some bitter truths...not about me, but about him. I have figured out his agenda...at least in part. That being, to drive this family--his siblings and I--further apart.
It's not only anger and frustration...it's jealousy. It's always been jealousy. And there was no reason he should have ever felt that way. He believes that I love my other two children more than I have ever loved him.
And he is wrong.
Tomorrow is my birthday but it comes to me at a time where there is great sadness in my life.
My family is in tatters...how can my birthday be 'happy'?