Sunday, October 2, 2011

When Love isn't enough

I am the first to admit that I haven't had the best of luck with love...having been married and divorced three times...whether it was because of what he did or because of something I did or did not do.  And here I am, 10 years after my breakdown, finding out that sometimes, love isn't enough to make things work.  

Essentially, my move to Wisconsin didn't turn out like I hoped/dreamed it would.  I really thought, I really believed I was ready for a new start, a new relationship...but I am not.  Not mentally or emotionally.  Too many ghosts still haunt me, too much has happened too fast.  I took too big of a step and have spent that last couple of weeks in depression has returned along with a ton of self-doubts.

Also, there is the fact that this man and I don't mesh as well as I thought we would...we are too old and too set in our ways.  When we clash, we clash hard yet we have had some wonderful times together...I can't deny that.  

But for me, it's not enough.  It's not enough when the relationship is based on ALL his wants and desires, and he can't understand what my depression is the result of or understand that he can't "cure" me.  He can't grasp what mental illness is all about...and it's not something that will just 'go away'. 

He and I have hashed this through several times over the last couple of weeks...yet he still doesn't understand where I am in this, and that I have needs and desires too, beyond the depression.  

I also am suffering because I miss my family...because the truth is, after living 10 years with my daughter and three of my grandchildren, I have a co-dependency on them that I thought...denied...existed.  He doesn't understand that either...because he never had any children.  He doesn't understand....

Tuesday morning, I am flying home, and shipping only about 10% of my belongs back to New York.  My heart is breaking...not so much because I am leaving here, but leaving behind things that are very dear and precious to me, things that are a part of who I have come to be.  

My heart is breaking because I fear that I will never find love again...never find that single person who will bear with me through my ups and downs, and won't question them...who understands that I need to be whatever facet that may be at the moment...and love me non-the-less.