Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Good, the bad and the ugly: Part 1

Ever restless sky
For the past handful of nights, I have not been sleeping well, and definitely have not been sleeping restful or through the night. My mind refuses to shut down, I toss and turn...with many things running through my mind. 

This is something that's not new, but comes and goes according to what may be bothering me in my awake hours. Even then, not everything that is bothering me keeps me awake....I guess it depends on "how much" I am troubled by whatever. 

Last night, my mind kept playing over and over my time spent in Wisconsin. I am still at a loss to explain how something that had started-out so well, took a turn for the worse in such a short time. Yes--I know a lot of it had to do with untruths that he told me, and also that his personality was too often very grating, demanding and selfish. 

But I couldn't help but think of the good times we did have. He made me laugh...laugh harder than I've laughed in a very long time. He taught me a lot of things in the short time that I was there...showed me a lot of things too that I was unaware of. 

He introduced me to music that I had no idea existed yet I found to be very beautiful, and which still haunts me in it's beauty. Meet Christina Stürmer:

He taught me about birds that came to his feeders...many of which I had never seen before. And of course, he showed me what his pesty ground squirrels were all about!

13 Lined ground squirrel
I guess a lot of what is running through my mind is how someone who really was very intelligent, be like he was. I know that we will never understand human nature...but what went wrong in his life that he developed the thinking and behaviors that he did? Was it something specific...or did it "just happen"? 

There have been times in my life that I have been accused of being 'too' analytical, but I believe that comes with my need to understand and define myself and the world around me. And here again...I am struggling to understand something that I know I will never find the answers to...not with everything that has happened, not with him laying in a hospital bed fighting for his life.

I did finally find sleep last night, but not until after 3-1/2 weeks worth of memories played through my mind...the good, the bad and the ugly. These memories will continue to replay themselves for a bit of time yet...but I know that somehow, I will be able to put the bad and ugly to rest...and make peace with that brief moment in time that I shared with him. 

It wasn't all bad...


  1. I'm glad you can think about the good things that happened. It's sad how his life has turned out to be now. Who knows what makes a person the way they are! But I'm glad you are a much stronger person than you sometimes give yourself credit for.
    And the music is really great - very enjoyable!

  2. As always, Laura...thank you. I know that I am a strong person...but sometimes I really feel myself slipping like I am not that strong.

    Yes--the music is very nice...the first song, he and I voted to be "our" song.